Saturday, June 27, 2009

2:12 AM

I don't have anything to share of any use to any of you tonight. I just feel like writing. I have been trying not to write when I am going through depression, that is why I have cut down the writing so much. I realize that I write most when I feel this way and it annoys me to go back and see the things I wrote while in the dark. Tonight, I don't care, I am writing because I feel lonely and it is almost like talking to someone. It is something to do with my hands, and my mind other than think about negative things.

I just miss everything.

I miss my friends. I miss being a kid and not having this stress. I miss sleeping on The Body's bedroom floor every night. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade now for then for anything. I just wish I could have them both and never sleep. There is so much trouble in the world, so much death, so much sadness. Too many mistakes.

I am tired of making mistakes, especially ones I have made before it makes me feel like a fool. It does more damage to me than people know. Sin does damage, go figure. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, yet I keep messing up. I guess that is why God's grace is so amazing. But I don't feel that right now, I don't feel reasonable or Biblical. I feel desperate for things I cannot see. I feel blurry and wandering around. I forget things that are real, that I once held in my hands. The things of God. I forget that God holds me, that He has saved my wretched life, that He has set me on my feet and planted me to my face so many times. I forget because I am so blurry. I am sick of this. My wife listens to my ipod and plays the 25 most played and can't even get through it, the songs are too sad.

The pattern of my depression has always been failure of some kind. Depression follows failure. I fail so much. Not because I want to, because I can't not fail. I am human.

I want to be whole. I want to be perfect. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I want to be humble. I want to be faithful. I want to be pure. I want to be something entirely different than who I am right now.


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  1. Adam, the best thing you have done is to admit you feel this way. You know that this will pass. Be strong mate. I think you're awesome

  2. man, adam. you are like the male version of me in a lot of ways. i can relate to a lot of what you write.

  3. I think most people can relate to this. We're just not always brave enough to say it. You should call Kev would probably do you both good to hang out.

  4. I guess we all judge ourselves on the things we do wrong..but you wouldn't do that very thing to someone else, would you?
    You have many gifts, we saw one of them on Sunday. Be encouraged.

  5. Good philosophy Peggy.

    It is so hard to accept that we will never have the beautiful moments of our childhood again. It is as if this beautiful glimmer of light, at a moment in time, just fades and is never again. That thought depresses me. Childhood wasn't perfect by any means but the time we spent together was perfect. I take solace in knowing that I wouldn't have that part of my life any other way. You are my best friend to this day. Although we cant hang out as much, your writing always reminds me of why we are brothers. I am so happy that God gave me a brother. I am glad you write because it gives me a glimpse into your life. I think your depression stems from a great understanding of the world that many do not have.....mainly because they do not slow down enough to reflect. This is not heaven. It seems we are forced into doing nonsensical things because the world appears to provide that we must. I will be honest. I do not want to be where I am at right now. I want to live in MI again with my family and friends. I feel like I am missing out on precious time with my family and particularly with your family. I want to be be a good uncle and brother in law. But I am forced by circumstance to be somewhere else. I'm not sure I could be self sufficient in MI with things the way they are. Once I am done securing a future....I will be back. Life is not as full or adventurous without my best friend. We could write a Hardy Boys series based on the amazing experiences we have had. Getting back to depression......we are alike in the regard of just loving the saddest stuff you ever heard....I can only write sad songs.....what is that?!

  6. That was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and I feel the exact same way about you.

    You were the biggest bright spot growing up and you are right, it was perfect.

    Come home soon.

  7. Heaven. Look towards heaven.

    Once we get there it will all make sense.

    Until then we will forever feel like this. I know because I am right there with you.