I don't have anything to share of any use to any of you tonight. I just feel like writing. I have been trying not to write when I am going through depression, that is why I have cut down the writing so much. I realize that I write most when I feel this way and it annoys me to go back and see the things I wrote while in the dark. Tonight, I don't care, I am writing because I feel lonely and it is almost like talking to someone. It is something to do with my hands, and my mind other than think about negative things.
I just miss everything.
I miss my friends. I miss being a kid and not having this stress. I miss sleeping on The Body's bedroom floor every night. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade now for then for anything. I just wish I could have them both and never sleep. There is so much trouble in the world, so much death, so much sadness. Too many mistakes.
I am tired of making mistakes, especially ones I have made before it makes me feel like a fool. It does more damage to me than people know. Sin does damage, go figure. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, yet I keep messing up. I guess that is why God's grace is so amazing. But I don't feel that right now, I don't feel reasonable or Biblical. I feel desperate for things I cannot see. I feel blurry and wandering around. I forget things that are real, that I once held in my hands. The things of God. I forget that God holds me, that He has saved my wretched life, that He has set me on my feet and planted me to my face so many times. I forget because I am so blurry. I am sick of this. My wife listens to my ipod and plays the 25 most played and can't even get through it, the songs are too sad.
The pattern of my depression has always been failure of some kind. Depression follows failure. I fail so much. Not because I want to, because I can't not fail. I am human.
I want to be whole. I want to be perfect. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I want to be humble. I want to be faithful. I want to be pure. I want to be something entirely different than who I am right now.
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