Tuesday, February 17, 2009


When I met Laura I was still in self destruct mode. I had hope in Christ then, but still had never been shown how to be a responsible man. I knew integrity, but only because I had previously practiced the opposite of integrity, so it was easy to reverse to honesty even when it hurt. But I still didn't get the value of an education and by this I don't mean a degree, a degree is a by product of the education. I did not pay my bills very well or enjoy going to work everyday. I was kind of a mess, but something about her made me want to do better. She made me want to be the person I had never seen in my life. It takes so much hard work and pain to change your life long bad habits, but I have made many significant strides toward who I think God has intended me to be. I am not even close, but I am on the bus. It is so funny because we both gave each other something totally different, somethings that we both needed dearly. Right now she lays in bed sleeping peacefully. My kids are dreaming about who knows what. Their eyelids are like angels open and especially closed. I am alone and missing them already and they have only been in bed for a few hours.

Aevry fits perfectly right in the bend of my arm, the same place Caeden used to fit. Caeden lets me wiggle his loose tooth as long as I promise not to yank it out and betray his trust. Laura sees the gaping holes in me and fills them without me asking. Aevry looks just like my oldest daughter Olivia, who I don't talk about much because she doesn't live with me and I want to respect her privacy. Olivia told me she loved me for the first time last week, she is 12. I wanted to break down because I have fought for so long for her and endured so much pain, and to hear that made me want to lose it, but instead I looked ahead at the road and drove. Caeden thinks I am a super hero at night and if you tell him different you will crush him. Aevry fights me for no reason, doing the opposite of what she is told, just to spite me, but then she crawls back up into the bend of my arm and sits quietly.

I apologize nearly every night to God for taking them for granted. I am happy. I am full. I have everything I have ever wanted.


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  1. :)

    you have come a long way and so have we.

  2. now when you're in a fight you can refer back to this post...might help.

  3. What a beautiful post.

    I think you should have broke down when Olivia told you that. Sometimes little girls need to see their Daddies in a vulnerable way.