Today, it is white everywhere. It is these days that I am glad I do not live in a warm climate. It is beautiful in Michigan right now.
A couple of things from my prayer life. I keep a journal and a checklist of things to pray for and today I rearranged it. I read in this book that the author prays sincerely for the most intimate conversation with God before he prays, so I thought I would do that to, because maybe that is why God seems so far from me sometimes. I started today and few things were revealed to me. I believe. Do not print this and staple it to your Bibles as being a word of prophesy like my pastor tells those who say "God told me" to do. So here goes:
1. I pray for the healing for my family everyday. I pray that emotionally, we would be healed of the things that hinder us from God, both inflicted by ourselves and inflicted by others. I then pray for the healing of our Spirits, especially from the sin we have poisoned ourselves with and it's effects. Then I pray for the various ailments we suffer from: My nervous issues and depression, Laura's immune system problems, Caeden's anxiety and his eyes etc. We have never experienced much healing on any of these things. I can date my prayers for this stuff back for years and see no visible change for the better. So lately when I pray, I doubt immediately and have no real expectation of healing. That was exposed today. Maybe God wants us broken like He wanted Paul broken. Maybe through weakness, God is glorified through us. Maybe pain is supposed to hurt and that's why God allowed some of the things He did in the first place. Maybe, I need to learn how to forgive my father before I can relinquish the pain. I need to stop focusing on the things that are broken because it is through the broken that God has changed the whole world. There is the Glory of God in the broken. Maybe I should stop praying to not be broken and embrace every feeling that comes in pain, because it makes joy real. I have noticed that I cling to God much closer when I am battling with depression than when things are going well. Sometimes too much joy can bring contentment in me. Contentment is bad when we are speaking of our relationships with God.
2. I have missed the billboard on my front lawn waiting for a bigger "Word" from God. Everyday I pray for God to speak to me, open my ears to hear Him, and have the wisdom to obey. I feel sometimes when God speaks to me it is like how Paul felt when He was blind, then given his sight back, or when Peter realized that this new faith was not reserved only to God's chosen Jews, but for all. Then other times, nothing at all. The issue is that I do not experience this "Life to the fullest" Jesus spoke about, and I think it is because I love my life. I didn't used to as you know well, but somewhere along the line I began to love the things God has given me too much. I have been hearing God speak to me. I believe. For months about living differently, and in my prayers I ask God what that looks like for me. And I have waited ever too patiently for a response. Today I think I got it. Just do it. Stop waiting for something and do it, out of faith. Force yourself to trust in God again and do not doubt. Money cannot buy me faith, a family can not buy me happiness, and a friend cannot fill me. God does those things. Only God does those things.
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