Semester's over finally. Worst one I have ever had. I thank God it is over. I also thank my wife. Laura has put up with so much crap from me this semester, with my moodiness and my stress. She is awesome, and has shown me I need to learn to handle stress better. I didn't used to feel this way. The other day, I posted a mini blog that said, "I used to be invincible", I used to feel that way. I was a basketball player, a good one. I was known for having the biggest mouth on the court. Half of my game was getting into your head, because most people do not handle pressure very well, they crack and I win.
In my senior year, my coach brought in an ex college player, a good one named Quazy to help coach. Quazy watched me practice and play and saw a weakness in my game, turns out, it is a weakness in my life. He saw how I could get into your head and punch your brain and make you intimidated of me and make you doubt your own abilities. He was better than me and knew it, and so did I. I couldn't get into his head. Instead, one practice he guarded me all night fouling me and running his mouth. He outplayed me and pissed me off to the point of punching walls. I could not hit a shot, I could not guard him even though I was faster and in better shape and could shoot with my eyes closed. He exposed my weakness in front of the whole team and for the first time, at least in basketball, I was in a real fight, and losing it. I was crushed under the weight of the pressure. He grabbed me after practice and explained why he had been beating me down so bad and showed me how to not feel the pressure. The next week, we played the best team in the league who had the best player. Last time we played them, he scored 45 on us. I was intimidated of him, but showed up to the game a different person. I scored 30 on him and held him to 20. I ran my mouth the whole game without doubt in my abilities and beat him. The team lost 115 to 95 though because a lot of people on my team sucked. I say all this not just to relive old glory, but to expose the same weakness in other areas of my life.
I feel pressure to perform at my job, I feel pressure to perform in my family, and I feel pressure to perform at school, and I do not handle it well. I forget that God put all of these things in my life and gave me the tools to succeed. I am able to be a good father and husband because God gave me the ability to, despite never having a father or male influence in my life. God gave me the gifts to lead in my church, even though I have never felt qualified, so with Him I can and will do it. God gave me a brain, so I can achieve at school. The issue is that all of these things are happening at the same time, the perfect storm. So the waves come and the pressure, I have to learn how to stand. I am learning, but learning how to stand in peril always hurts, because it has to.
But I have to.
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