Thursday, October 2, 2008


Depression. It is hard on me, but in some ways even harder for those who love me. It is impossible to communicate a reason or purpose for it and I think the not knowing makes those who love us more confused and self conscious about themselves. So I will try and explain the way I see things when I am battling. I see things dull. The lights are dim, the colors faded. I see the sad in every face I see. I see only the bad, and dwell on it. Which brings me shame because there are so many with real problems, and that are going through things much worse who are able to keep their heads high. I kick rocks all day and lie awake all night. October is the worst month of the year for me for both good and bad reasons. I had a friend in middle school who hung himself in October. I tried to get hit by a train in October. However I also got saved in October, but that brings me sadness too because I miss being that passionate about something. I miss feeling the reality of my salvation and the love God has for me. I told my wife I loved her for the first time in October, followed by our first kiss, ro maybe the kiss was first. The way I feel right now is the way I felt when I laid down on those tracks, things haven't changed with my sadness. What has changed is the hope that God has brought me. I would never lay down on the tracks again because I know it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that one of these days in a while, I will wake up to the sun and it will be over. But for now, things are sad. Worse than last year, worse than most years.

My son hit his head at the park and hurt himself a couple months ago and on the way to the hospital, he asked me with the most pitiful voice if he was going to be alright. I have found myself asking God the same question with the same uncertainty lately. The upside of the sadness is that it makes me work harder to see God. Things get blurry and I lose my sight of God's hand, which is terrifying to me. So I search harder for Him and searching for God is never a bad thing, however sometimes I wish He would open my eyes for me. I feel like I am calling for him in the dark and He isn't coming for me, He isn't speaking so I can follow his voice. I am one who has seen proof of God, so I do not doubt His existence, but I do doubt His hand often.

I have been talking to my youth kids about being transparent lately. Letting others see the entire you, even the bad, and especially the things that bring you sadness. Because these things glorify God more than our strengths do. Weaknesses are hard things to drag into the light for everyone to see because most of us are ashamed of them. I guess that is why I talk about my depression a lot. I feel shame for feeling the way I do and for not being able to at least give a reason for it, so I drag it into the light for others to see. That being said, I have another problem that I have never spoken with anyone but my wife and a therapist about. It makes me sad, and it hurts me emotionally and physically. I have always been horrored with the thought of talking about it, but I've got nothing to lose right now. I want nothing to hold me back. I have Tourettes Syndrome. I don't shout things out or say bad words or anything like that, but on the inside my nerves are wrecked. They send impulses to places in my body to move, thus a twitch. The issue is not as much the symptoms on the outside as they are the issues on the inside, although the external issues are sometimes bad. I will discuss this later. On the inside, I want to crawl out of my skin. I have done this my whole life and not once has any of my friends asked me about it. Which I appreciate, however I was taught that you are weird if you have it. People laugh at you, and always think the worst when they know someone who has it. I agree, at times it is funny. But the person who has it isn't laughing I promise you. So I don't talk about it and I think that the kindness of my friends has helped me keep it in and feel even worse. So I am dragging it into the light kicking and screaming. Because I do not want anything to get in the way of others seeing nothing but Christ in me.


  1. Thanks for sharing your life with us! In the short time I have worked with you in ministry I have seen the evidence of Christ in you. Thank you for always striving to love Jesus and challenging all of us to do the same!

  2. You know, I've learned quite a bit over the years and one thing is certain, we all have some sort of issue that sticks out as embarrasing. You called it Tourettes, maybe that is the clinical "official diagnosis" but over the years, it has seemed like nothing more than a minor "twitch". It seems nothing more than something you do. It's not weird, nobody snickers or gossips, it's no more a part of you than your tattoo's or your hair cut, or even your skin color. We all have issues and defects that we wish we didn't have. One leg shorter than the other, a scar, baldness, and in my case (being overweight). And you're right, it gets very depressing, wondering who's laughing, wondering who's shaking there head after I order a meal, wondering what my wife's friends think, wondering what my kids friends think? It can bring you down. I've prayed, but like you said about the hand being there? I don't know either. I think sometimes it has been, but I wonder if this is part of one of my many stuggles. (I know what you're thinking... Just go on a freaking diet!!!!) Well I've been going on a diet since I was 12, and I don't ever make progress, so I do understand your plight; although a different concept, but a depressing struggle. I had a friend die 3 yrs ago, she was 23. Cause of Death??? NATURAL Causes???? Not suicide, not Asthma, not a seizure, not obesity issues, but Natural Causes. Our boss walkied into our area and simply informed us that she died earlier in the day. My first thought was car accident or suicide? How else does a 23 year old die who left work on the previous Friday (the last time I saw her) happy to be spendng the weekend shopping and cider mill going, and then find out she woke up on Monday morning (her day off) said good by to her mom who was leaving for work early in the morning, went back to bed and never woke up... Then I here about the cause of death, and my next thoughts are "It should have been me". The shock of every one I work with when it happended was, "how could this be"???? It was shocking because she was so young and healthy. But what went through my head was "what if my boss came in and said, "Listen up, Jason passed away this morning". What would your thoughts be? Suicide? Car crash? Maybe, but if not one of those, it would have to be heart attack. It's only fitting.. And then it would be like, well..... he was really heavy, it was bound to happen. For me, I have two kids a wife and everything to live for, but I feel guilty to be alive when I look at a picture of my self (which is rare because I always try to stay clear of pictures) but it's very depressing to feel guilty about someone healthy dying; when I am the one who is the prime candidate.

    That said, you can't let things stop you. I have to keep trying. You have to keep trying. There is too much at stake. We knew of our issues before we decided to involve others, i.e. bring children into the world, Marriage. If God helps you, keep asking, but if he pulls his hand from time to time, then guess what? We have a default button, it's called a "Man Button". Real men take care of things. Real men push through and find ways to win. How many basketball games or hockey games have you watched when the wings or stones were blowing leads and losing playoff series? How many times have you wanted to kick your tv and yell, bury that shot, or hit that three?? Or C'mon Sheed, put your hand in his face? Play some D! I know I have. Why are we so critical of our sports heroes, when we live and die with every shot, and hang with them until the buzzer only to say, "there is always next year"? Well you and I are no different. We always have a new season to look forward to. My championship run starts every day. Work out and diet. You have yours too. Depression is not and option. You've been given two gifts to work hard for. What ever haunts you or makes you feel this way, you need to let it go. Press the man button and move on. Life is hard, we already know that. You're not alone. And as Jimmy V said at the 93 ESPY's "Don't give up, never give up"!

  3. Thanks anonymous guy. I will now "man up." Don't worry though, I am ok, and will be. Thanks for the words though, they do mean alot to me.

  4. I love that you are honest and real, twitches and all. You are so right that God is glorified in our weakness. He already knows all there is to know about us, so why do we hide?

    Nothing irks me more than Christians who pretend that they have it all together. Who needs Jesus then?

    You keep on keeping on because the world needs more people like you who aren't afraid to be real. Admitting how much we need a savior is the greatest witness we can be.

    I feel like I have known you forever. Like we are old friends. It is so weird. If I believed in past lives, I would think we might have known eachother then.

    All that aside. I am praying for you. I am not just saying that to say it. I really am.

    Life is hard. It really is. Sometimes I am just so ready for the trumpets to sound. It gets old battling the same crap. I get that. I really do.

  5. Adam, I'm not going to leave a long comment just to say I have gone through such times, and may well do again. Know you are loved and are worthy.

  6. K, This is the other anom. friend and not the other Ray if that makes sense. First of all, I know what it is like to live with someone who is depressed really bad. Not me, but hey... It makes me depressed sometimes to live with that person. LOL! I really don't think of you as a depressed person or someone who suffers from a disease or a syndrome. You are just Adam! I love you for that. We all have strange/different things in our lives. I would not want you to be any different way other than happier. We all struggle with stuff. Don't do it alone. You have a wonderful wife and friends to help you. I know that writing is a way for you to vent. Don't hesitate to share with any of us in writing, in person, or on the dreaded phone. LOL! We all love you and understand that life is complex and we may never understand everything. Your buddy!! (whoever he is) LOL LOL