Depression. It is hard on me, but in some ways even harder for those who love me. It is impossible to communicate a reason or purpose for it and I think the not knowing makes those who love us more confused and self conscious about themselves. So I will try and explain the way I see things when I am battling. I see things dull. The lights are dim, the colors faded. I see the sad in every face I see. I see only the bad, and dwell on it. Which brings me shame because there are so many with real problems, and that are going through things much worse who are able to keep their heads high. I kick rocks all day and lie awake all night. October is the worst month of the year for me for both good and bad reasons. I had a friend in middle school who hung himself in October. I tried to get hit by a train in October. However I also got saved in October, but that brings me sadness too because I miss being that passionate about something. I miss feeling the reality of my salvation and the love God has for me. I told my wife I loved her for the first time in October, followed by our first kiss, ro maybe the kiss was first. The way I feel right now is the way I felt when I laid down on those tracks, things haven't changed with my sadness. What has changed is the hope that God has brought me. I would never lay down on the tracks again because I know it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that one of these days in a while, I will wake up to the sun and it will be over. But for now, things are sad. Worse than last year, worse than most years.
My son hit his head at the park and hurt himself a couple months ago and on the way to the hospital, he asked me with the most pitiful voice if he was going to be alright. I have found myself asking God the same question with the same uncertainty lately. The upside of the sadness is that it makes me work harder to see God. Things get blurry and I lose my sight of God's hand, which is terrifying to me. So I search harder for Him and searching for God is never a bad thing, however sometimes I wish He would open my eyes for me. I feel like I am calling for him in the dark and He isn't coming for me, He isn't speaking so I can follow his voice. I am one who has seen proof of God, so I do not doubt His existence, but I do doubt His hand often.
I have been talking to my youth kids about being transparent lately. Letting others see the entire you, even the bad, and especially the things that bring you sadness. Because these things glorify God more than our strengths do. Weaknesses are hard things to drag into the light for everyone to see because most of us are ashamed of them. I guess that is why I talk about my depression a lot. I feel shame for feeling the way I do and for not being able to at least give a reason for it, so I drag it into the light for others to see. That being said, I have another problem that I have never spoken with anyone but my wife and a therapist about. It makes me sad, and it hurts me emotionally and physically. I have always been horrored with the thought of talking about it, but I've got nothing to lose right now. I want nothing to hold me back. I have Tourettes Syndrome. I don't shout things out or say bad words or anything like that, but on the inside my nerves are wrecked. They send impulses to places in my body to move, thus a twitch. The issue is not as much the symptoms on the outside as they are the issues on the inside, although the external issues are sometimes bad. I will discuss this later. On the inside, I want to crawl out of my skin. I have done this my whole life and not once has any of my friends asked me about it. Which I appreciate, however I was taught that you are weird if you have it. People laugh at you, and always think the worst when they know someone who has it. I agree, at times it is funny. But the person who has it isn't laughing I promise you. So I don't talk about it and I think that the kindness of my friends has helped me keep it in and feel even worse. So I am dragging it into the light kicking and screaming. Because I do not want anything to get in the way of others seeing nothing but Christ in me.