Sunday, October 5, 2008

An Old Woman's Tire

I once went on this date with this girl I worked with just before I met Laura. She had asked me to go with her to a wedding, which I feel uncomfortable going to. I have never considered weddings to be good first dates because you have to do the two things that you look most awkward doing: eating and dancing. I am good at the former, but the latter I must admit I have not mastered. Well I needed a suit, so I went to JCPenney. I didn't get the memo I know. I got the suit and hid the tags so I could return it later. On the way to the wedding, I got a flat tire on my car, which is the worst thing if you are dressed up. I changed the tire silently cursing to myself the entire time and went to her house pretty late. I was embarrassed for some weird reason to tell her I got a flat, so I lied and said that I had helped an old lady change a flat. Because how can she be mad at me for being late for changing an old woman's tire. Only thing was, I parked in front of her house with the stupid looking doughnut on my front tire in plain sight. I know she saw it. We later went to the wedding and was seated at the table with her whole family. Her father, I am pretty sure was John Engler, the former Governor of Michigan, sat across from me in this elitist tuxedo and asked me question and question about investments and mutual funds; none of which I knew anything about; all of which I lied about. He knew it, so did she. I sat between her and her mentally handicapped brother, whom I found to be quite charming and fun. Accept, he had this thing for kissing on the lips and continually kept trying to suck face with me. It was time for the dancing and I got up and flopped around like an idiot while her friends all watch and chuckled. We drove back to her house later and didn't speak much, I left and we didn't speak again. I didn't care though, she liked Ricky Martin. She didn't laugh at my jokes. She wasn't very interesting.


  1. I am so not fan of Ricky. Thank God you married Laura. I don't know her, but I can tell she is not a fan either.

    The Rockstar does the worm at every wedding. I am completely serious. I think he is wicked cool. So, if you did the worm at my wedding, I would think you were wicked cool.

  2. Talk about transparency. I have to think about it. Everyone has had this day in some form or another .... some of us more than one .. in the last week... I will have to post something uncomfortable from my past. Sweet labels... it is true I do the worm ... and an awful Vanilla Ice impression (long story)

  3. Wow, does this mean that our 3rd or 4th date where my mom puked on your shoes wasn't that bad?

  4. This is one of the best ones so far. Holy crap... random stuff. Only you!

  5. Ok, it was intesting and charming until the end, then it turned into "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy

    Some Lady puked on your shoe on your fourth date with Laura?

    I'd break up with her for that. Want me to set you up with my sister?