Every day I get up and sit in front of that computer to work. The first thing I do is check this blog, then the email, then I google my name to see if anything I have done has made a difference. It is pathetic I know, but I do not think that I have done all that I was meant to do. I don't want my high school glory stories to be the biggest thing I remember, I want to do things that I can see making a difference. One of the drawbacks of being a youth pastor, is that you rarely see the results of what you do. Too often, you see progress in the students you have had for the last 4 years and then they go off to college and do some pretty dumb things, just to come home distant from God in their lives. There are a couple of cases where I can see the effects of what God is doing in this ministry, but it takes too long. I want results now. I want to be able to see these kids walk through those gates myself. I guess I want that for really, really selfish reasons though. It doesn't make my work any easier, it only brings my encouragement level up a bit, and sometimes my pride which isn't good to have any of.
I have this delusion that one morning, I'll get up and sit at the computer and Google my name and pages and pages come up. Maybe I did something awesome without knowing it. Maybe something I wrote or said inspired someone to change the world. Maybe I won some sort of prestigious award. In dealing with my inevitable death, I have begun to panic in realizing I haven't reached my own goals I set for myself, which is fine, but is it wrong to set really big goals? I don't think so. God says, in his heart a man plots his path, but the Lord sets his feet down. I think it is OK to dream big as long as we are willing to deal with the fact that those dreams may not be what God has in mind for you. Maybe this is what God has planned. I hope not, but it maybe true.
Anyway, I will now go back to writing my sentences. I have committed to writing 100 times, "It is pathetic to Google your own name every day."
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