Thursday, September 4, 2008

August And Everything After

It is now entering my favorite and least favorite time of the year. During Fall, I get excited, and nostalgic. I take walks, I drive around just to be out. I look at old houses I have lived in, and I sit under trees with books. However, the Fall also brings on a pretty major depression every year. Every year, I get broken. I enjoy the ghosts, but hate the demons. You can't have one without the other. I will wake up one morning and have a hard time getting out of bed, then stroll to the bathroom mirror and get pissed at what I see. I'll stop and think about all of the great things and horrible things that have happened this time of the year. Both the great and the horrible cause pain during these times. My wife will ask me 5 times a day if I am OK. I will say yes, because I am. But I will be silent for a while, then wake up one morning and it will be gone.

I was saved in the fall. I tried suicide in the fall. My friend took his own life in the fall. I have walked aimlessly in the fall. I have awoken in strange place in the fall. I have had horrible nightmares in the fall. Yet I was resurrected in the fall, reanimated. So along with this pain comes a sense of excitement in my faith. I remember more vividly the moments I heard Christ speak to me the loudest, and I will remember hearing and listening. I will remember sitting in my apartment alone until most of you are getting up for work reading my Bible pouring cup after rotten cup of brown hot water. I was absolutely amazed with God. I wanted to know everything. I still do, but sometimes forget how I long for God. How I need to hear Him clearly, how I need to feel His presence, how I need His forgiveness. I need to be overwhelmed, to be overcome. I need to be broken and mended. I need the Lord. I need Him to fill my eyes, I need Him to weaken my knees. I need Him to break my will, I need Him to breathe. May our God give you everything you need, not everything you want. May God heal your bodies and those around you, May God bring you to your knees in worship. May God bless you.


  1. Fall is great and I can smell it coming. Me and Ben just took a walk in pouring rain for an hour in the woods while it was dusk. We didn't use flashlights although we had them and we listened to the rain and talked about God.

  2. Thanks for sharing this. I love your vulnerability and willingness to share so much of you.

    You didn't post my last comment. You know I was joking. I am against word verification. I obviously like your blog so much that I comment anyway. Thanks for turning it off. You rock.

  3. oh and congrats on the return of the gnome!

  4. Thanks, I missed him so. I don't like the word verification either, but was afraid to turn it off thinking I would get a bunch of spam, but so far, so good.