Saturday, June 28, 2008
What's Left Over
Most kids go through the rebellious teenage angst stage where they question everything and make themselves a victim of anything. I wonder today, what happens to that aggression and anger in most people. Do we forget that we are angry when dangled money in our faces? Do the feelings fade with maturity? I do not think mine has left. I think today I am still angry, but in different ways. I think about the things that have been done to me and I still cringe and make myself stop thinking about them. My wife brings them up and I quickly change the subject because talking about them makes me feel them, and feeling them makes me feel them. Maybe nothing happens to our angst. Maybe at least in my case, we suppress it and hide it away so we can be lazy and forget it exists until a smell, or a song changes everything and we are forced to push it back into our subconscious. The problem with doing that is that I think our subconscious effects the way we live. When we live with anger stuffed back there, we inadvertently act like a person with anger in his or her life. Maybe, we need to deal with the problem, or I need to deal with the problems. Tonight I heard a song and it made me want to break windows and throw lamps. I reminded me of me being really, really angry. It reminded me of the reason I lied so much, the reason I I tried to hurt people, the reason I did not care at all. It isn't a good feeling, it is dark like an alley at 4 AM. It made my mind return to the bottle to forget, then I remembered that the beverage does not help with the subconscious. It reminded me to hate myself, that isn't conducive to how God feels about me, so that doesn't work either. How do you get it out? I punch a bag, I write scripts that are laced with anger and sadness, I write and perform music that is drenched in who I really am, I work out almost every day, I have personally confronted those that have hurt me, well sorta. Yet still I shake my fist in the air. I think it is me that just can't let go.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.