Monday, June 2, 2008

One of the many faces of the Zombie throughout the years.

There is a pill for every feeling under heaven. There are pills to take away pain, there are pills to heighten your senses. There are pills to make you happy, there are pills to suppress your maniac. These are good things. But I look at the many ways I have tried to self medicate myself throughout my life. I have tried so much to numb my feelings, to escape the joy and pain of being alive. I made it a habit to suppress good things for fear of disappointment. I learned to hide away pain and do everything in my power to forget it, but nothing has worked. I drank every night to make myself pass out so I didn't have to feel anything, but then came nightmares. I shut myself off to everyone and tried to sabotage my life to keep others from seeing me for who I really am, but you can't really keep everyone out. We lie to ourselves when we think we are good at lying, there is always someone in every room that sees right through you. It isn't worth it. Living alone isn't worth it. The drugs don't work for everything, for some they make you worse. I want to feel everything. I want to feel the cutting sadness of life and the overwhelming joy. I want to not care if I get disappointed, I want to see the good in everything even if what I thought i wanted isn't at all what I expected.


  1. Adam,

    I love this post! You are so honest and transparent in your blog. What a gift! We all need to strive for such unpretentious living. God will honor your honesty and desire for real living :)

    I love the pic too! That is nothing short of awesome!

    Many blessings to you brother. May the peace of Christ fill you to overflowing measures!


  2. Nice picture. I think I hung out with you in Highschool... Kidding.

    I want to feel it all too. I too spent many years trying to self medicate. This is the world we live in. This is what our kids have to fight against everyday of their lives. It is in our pain that we really find ourselves and God. Pain, sadness, despair... they all make up the beauty of life.

  3. I wish the ex would read this. But I gotta start wishin for myself. thanks for sharing....

  4. i wish i was brave like you adam.

    by the way, how old were you in that picture?