Monday, June 2, 2008
One of the many faces of the Zombie throughout the years.
There is a pill for every feeling under heaven. There are pills to take away pain, there are pills to heighten your senses. There are pills to make you happy, there are pills to suppress your maniac. These are good things. But I look at the many ways I have tried to self medicate myself throughout my life. I have tried so much to numb my feelings, to escape the joy and pain of being alive. I made it a habit to suppress good things for fear of disappointment. I learned to hide away pain and do everything in my power to forget it, but nothing has worked. I drank every night to make myself pass out so I didn't have to feel anything, but then came nightmares. I shut myself off to everyone and tried to sabotage my life to keep others from seeing me for who I really am, but you can't really keep everyone out. We lie to ourselves when we think we are good at lying, there is always someone in every room that sees right through you. It isn't worth it. Living alone isn't worth it. The drugs don't work for everything, for some they make you worse. I want to feel everything. I want to feel the cutting sadness of life and the overwhelming joy. I want to not care if I get disappointed, I want to see the good in everything even if what I thought i wanted isn't at all what I expected.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.