Monday, June 30, 2008

Our Mother

"The church is a whore, but she's my mother." St. Augustine.

This is my new favorite quote. Why is the church a whore? Because she is full of imperfect people. If the church were perfect, it would be defiled the moment one of us imperfect people walked through it's doors. This is the beauty of the church being a whore: I, a whore and an idiot, can walk in and love God with every whore inside and be fully surrounded and embraced by the Creator of all things. The downfall of the church being a whore: It sleeps around, it isn't faithful. A room full of imperfect people will produce imperfect things and hurt a lot of people in the process. As a pastor at my church, I have heard way too many stories of people leaving hurt over something someone has said or done. Many have left the church over it, and many have stopped attending church altogether because of the Christians. But what we need to remember is that people will be imperfect anywhere you find them, whether in a church or in a bar or in a strip club. In the bar, people don't leave and vow to never return to a bar because the alcohol was too warm. They drink it, and hope for the best next time. In a church, if the sound is too loud, or the temperature too cold, or the illustrations too boring, we may leave forever. Why is it that we expect people to be perfect in a church and not anywhere else. It is true that God desires that His children work toward a different style of life, but it is also true, while trying to do the right things, we fail. So if you have left the church, come back and have realistic expectations. These people are your family and in every family, there are fights, but in the end there is love. We learn to put up with some crap to develop love. If you are thinking of leaving, don't. Try harder to love others and accept people for being people just like we are merely people. The Church is here for God and for us to worship together as one. A room full of created people, all unworthy to be there, throwing off prejudices and sin and loving God together as family. The church may be a whore, but she is our mother.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

What's Left Over

Most kids go through the rebellious teenage angst stage where they question everything and make themselves a victim of anything. I wonder today, what happens to that aggression and anger in most people. Do we forget that we are angry when dangled money in our faces? Do the feelings fade with maturity? I do not think mine has left. I think today I am still angry, but in different ways. I think about the things that have been done to me and I still cringe and make myself stop thinking about them. My wife brings them up and I quickly change the subject because talking about them makes me feel them, and feeling them makes me feel them. Maybe nothing happens to our angst. Maybe at least in my case, we suppress it and hide it away so we can be lazy and forget it exists until a smell, or a song changes everything and we are forced to push it back into our subconscious. The problem with doing that is that I think our subconscious effects the way we live. When we live with anger stuffed back there, we inadvertently act like a person with anger in his or her life. Maybe, we need to deal with the problem, or I need to deal with the problems. Tonight I heard a song and it made me want to break windows and throw lamps. I reminded me of me being really, really angry. It reminded me of the reason I lied so much, the reason I I tried to hurt people, the reason I did not care at all. It isn't a good feeling, it is dark like an alley at 4 AM. It made my mind return to the bottle to forget, then I remembered that the beverage does not help with the subconscious. It reminded me to hate myself, that isn't conducive to how God feels about me, so that doesn't work either. How do you get it out? I punch a bag, I write scripts that are laced with anger and sadness, I write and perform music that is drenched in who I really am, I work out almost every day, I have personally confronted those that have hurt me, well sorta. Yet still I shake my fist in the air. I think it is me that just can't let go.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Read this article. I am going to be sick right now. As if abortion was not atrocious enough, then comes partial birth abortion, and now induced labor abortion. Dude, how many ways can we think of to kill the next generation? Now we kill them once they are completely born. In the article, Obama concedes that once born, a baby is a person (as if they are not 7 seconds earlier in the birth canal) but then goes on to vote present on a bill that would outlaw this. Voting present is a no vote. This guy wants to lead our country, he wants to bring "Change?" If he can't vote against genocide and the sickest forms of it, then how is he going to lead our country, or what is left of it after he finishes killing all of it's kids. I hate this election, worst one in the history of my life. I can't vote for this guy and Mccain scares me too. Ah. Anyone else have a hunch that America is headed for a disaster? When was the last time we had a decent president? Reagan maybe? I don't know they either want to kill all the babies or bomb everyone else. Where is the party that respects ALL human life, foreign and domestic? We shouldn't have to choose the lesser evil, we should be a country that is blessed and respects the lives of others. Instead unconstitutionally kill everyone. What about everyone else's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? We preach democracy, then bomb the Iraqi children. Where is their right to live? We preach domestic peace, then legislate murder in babies. We preach forgiveness and letting go the need for revenge, then celebrate as we kill criminals in the death penalty. I do not mean to be preachy, because I am sure some of my readers disagree and that is OK, we can do that, but please agree that all life is meaningful and shouldn't be taken so lightly. I will end with this article's final description of the process of induced labor abortion. Mr. Obama said in a speech on the Illinois Senate floor that he could not accept that babies wholly emerged from their mother's wombs are "persons," and thus deserving of equal protection under the Constitution's 14th Amendment.

State and federal versions of this bill became an issue earlier this decade because of "induced labor abortion." This is usually performed on a baby with Down's Syndrome or another problem discovered on the cusp of viability. A doctor medicates the mother to cause premature labor. Babies surviving labor are left untreated to die.
On a side note: If you get pregnant before the wedding, no need to hide it or get a new dress, just do what she did below.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


My wife was driving home from work yesterday and passed this bar. This is my favorite sign ever. What could the story be, it could be a joke, but I would rather believe something crazy like the family went on a vacation to Italy and while there, the children were playing in the park and dad ran off with some hairy woman. Or he was abducted by aliens and had the chance to come home, but chose to stay like in the movie Cocoon when all those old people with wrinkles decided to go in the space ship because it made them young again. I think that is the most likely scenario. The kids miss dad and have to put a sign up to remind him to come home. Or maybe, he has dementia or something and takes walks without anyone noticing and gets lost sometimes, maybe the sign is to show him where home is. Don't know the reason behind it, but i know I like it and am thinking of putting that same sign outside of my house. I think my dad has dementia, he totally forgot that he had sex with my mom. (Laura's Joke) She sits here over my shoulder as I write, spell checking me on the fly and inserting quips and jokes here and there, also censoring my words because of my lack of that filter we talked about earlier. She is sooooooooooooo funny.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


Is it a sign of age to grow more chest hair? I looked down today to find a forest worthy of dreadlocks. Maybe not that bad, I actually have less chest hair than the average guy, but for me, any is a lot. So I have been thinking about balance. As a young boy, I used to walk across the tops of swing-sets. The higher the better, but I remember the first time I got cocky and fell and nearly broke my ribs. As a young adult, I worked construction, and once fell three stories through the skeleton of the house to the basement floor from the roof. I survived, but could have been killed. I trip up the stairs almost every time I walk up them, Sometimes I really smash my shins. If I am not careful, I get hurt. Same with everything else, we need balance. I have been having a hard time getting adjusted since I began school again. It is a huge, new thing that takes a lot of time and I am having a hard time juggling on two feet. So I notice some tripping and falling going on. I get cocky, then fall. Pride comes before a fall, ask me any time, I will testify to it. Pride is the killer of talent and potential. It seems, the more talented you are at what you do, the less interested you get, the bigger stage you need to be faithful. This is true everywhere, especially the church. Very talented people in the church fall more easily because they allow arrogance to creep in. They jump from place to place living off the compliments of others who are dazzled by their talent, then when it gets old and boring, they leave usually hurting a lot as they go. This is imbalance too. We are sometimes not able to balance the positive with the negative. Some are killed by criticism, some are killed by compliments. One sounds more fun, but in both cases you die. Balance is difficult. There have been times when I think I can do anything I set my eyes on, and there are times when I do not believe I can accomplish another breath. Remain humble, but be confident in yourself. Be aggressive, but not at the expense of others. Turn the other cheek, but do not let others abuse you. Serve your church, but not at the expense of your family. In all of these things, there is a fine line that if crossed can ruin you. Off subject though, is it OK to laugh when someone trips, but doesn't get hurt?

Monday, June 23, 2008

A Pub Fight

I say some pretty stupid things sometimes. I think I lack that filter that most people have in their heads that keep them from saying the awful things that stroll through their heads. I was at a pub Friday night meeting with some friends and there was this guy that looked a lot like Napoleon Dynamite there. I had seem him previously at my 30th birthday singing Mr. Jones, by Counting Crows which is my favorite band. He was letting it all hang out, not literally, singing on the tables and getting the crowd into it. Well Friday, he was walking from the bathroom and I looked at him as he passed and said to Laura, “I want to fight this guy I like him so much.” I know that is a weird thing to say, I say a lot of weird things, it is kind of my thing. And the whole world knows that my voice carries. Well, he looked at me and was like, “What! Why?” Then sat down with his friends and started to talk. I went on talking with my friends and a little later, Laura told me that she thought the guy looked somewhat disturbed. Maybe he didn’t hear the rest of what I was saying, so I went over and spoke to him. I asked him if he had heard all of what I was saying, and he told me all he heard was that I wanted to fight him and he has been sitting there pooping bricks ever since. I explained that I meant that as a compliment and that explanation is a challenge to sell because it is hard to mean I want to fight that guy as a compliment. He got it, laughed, then went and sang some Karaoke. He dedicated his first song to the guy that was going to beat his A&% a minute ago. He said “This song is kinda sensual” and sang me a love song. I was flattered to be able to scare someone even if he was a skinny little guy, but it made me think of the absence of this filter. I say some really dumb things out loud. Last year I was eating at a restaurant with some friends and an Asian old man came walking in and sat at the booth next to us with his Caucasian friends. I got bored and said to my friend Heather, “Heather, you think that guy is Asian?” Of course he was, he looked Asian like every other Asian looks Asian. Well, one of the women heard what I said and answered, “Yes, he is Asian.” “What an idiot I am,” I thought. Then lied and said I was speaking of another Asian sitting around us. The thing is, I love Asians, I always say, they are my favorite minority. See, there I go again. I like to joke around and never mean anything I am saying to harm others. I always liked to think that this was an endearing quality, like how Stephen Colbert cannot be disliked, no matter what he says because it is just Colbert being Colbert. But maybe I am not like that, what if I am Michael Richards from Seinfeld, who says things that get him severely hated. Not that I am funny like a comedian, but these two also lack the filter.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


I got straight A's this semester, I am so happy, I will do the dance of joy. Next semester starts Tuesday, so the dance must be short, but how great is God that He has given me strength. More to say tomorrow, for now I will smile.

Monday, June 16, 2008


I watched the movie Jumper last night. I thought over all the movie was entertaining, but it was the concept, not the movie that interested me. What if you could jump from one place to another anywhere on earth at any moment you wanted. I think this would be the greatest super power to ever exist. You could see anything You could eat lunch in Venice on a boat in the streets, then take a nap on the Grand Canyon (unless you are an active sleeper and roll over a lot, then that could be bad). After nap, you could sit on top of Mt. Everest to cool off, then off to Stonehenge to write a blog. Then dinner in Iceland. I haven't been far in my life. I went to Scotland on my honeymoon, and Canada a billion times, but other than that no where. I have never seen the ocean except for in a plane, I haven't seen much, so this concept is pretty cool for me. I think I would be like a Robin Hood kind of dude. I would jump in to the wealthy life and take some cash, then jump over to Uganda and drop it off. And probably bring some orphaned kids back with me. The movie failed because it took a great concept and a real chance to show something different, like the kid helping someone and instead it played to the American revenge and get rich mind. There was this scene where he was watching TV and it was live and someone was stuck somewhere with their life in jeopardy and he walked right out of the apartment. But the dude took every opportunity to rob every bank he could find. Quite a shallow failure on the film maker's part, but what do you expect from Hollywood. What would you do if you had this power?

Monday, June 9, 2008

7 Years

Today is Laura and I's anniversary. I can't believe it has been 7 years since I married that girl. It seems like it has been only 6 years and 10 months. We had a perfect wedding for those that were not there, which sadly is most of the readers here, though if I could do it over, you all would have been invited. It was perfect outside, the sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot, the dress was beautiful, all of our family and friends were there. There was no drama from anyone, well any serious drama, there was an issue with some dude getting kicked out of the pay bar downstairs but that didn't effect us at all. I remember after we got to the hotel to officially be married, we counted the money to"drunken" called. To wake us up and ask if we were tired. It was funny, so we got up and went out to eat with some friends because it was an early wedding and it was dinner time, we hopped on a plane and flew across the world. Which was an altogether different experience seeing as I am super duper solid gold afraid of airplanes. 7 Hours of sitting through air pockets and an old man barfing in his beard and watching his old wife clean him up. Kind of cool though, because maybe this is a picture of the rest of our lives together, me barfing and Laura cleaning it up in some way or another. We got to Scotland and had the best experience in paradise of our lives. We saw Nessi, we stayed in the Highlands with the wolves who howled outside the bedroom window. We ate horrible food made by the devil himself. We saw every inch of Scotland and stayed in Bed and Breakfasts all over the country, and a couple days with some of Laura's family. We went on ghost tours, and my bad case of diarhea made the whole tour wait as I stepped off into a pub bathroom. Everything closed at 4 PM so we got to bed early, which was nice for me being a newly married man that was previously committed to reborn virginity. I love my wife very much and could not live 3 seconds without her, she is the reason I wake up and the callouses on my hands. She is my first and greatest memory, she is trail of orange hue that follows the sun. She sees me as me and still loves me. She is the reason I write, the reason I sing, the connection I feel to God. God has given all good things, she is the one I deserve the least, yet here she stands 7 short years later. May the ring from her finger reflect the joy we have shared. I love you Laura.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

A Fathers Day Surprise!!! ---At Least For One Of Us

Hey friends in the electric biosphere, I have been so busy lately with school, work, family, and everything that eats away fun, that I have not been to your blogs very much. I am sorry, I regret not having enough time right now and miss reading about what is going on in everyone's lives and what God is doing in yours. I am trying, so if you haven't heard from me in a while, be sure you are still in my prayers and thoughts and am glad to have you as friends. I am trying to catch up, but there are many so please be patient with me as I try to be a good friend.
Anyhizzle, life is going pretty well right now, the kids are doing OK, although Aevry has has several poop throwing incidents in the last 2 weeks and Caeden told my mother that she could get a Red Winds Championship shirt too because they come in "Fat sizes too". Mom was not offended because she couldn't stop laughing for long enough, like when you are fighting with someone and something funny is said and you can't be mad anymore. Like that.
So a certain family member of mine approached me months ago telling me their intentions of getting me a photograph of my father since I have never before seen him. I replied "No, Please do not." I had just gone through this whole finding my sister thing, then being rejected by her and stuff song and dance and did not want to look stupid anymore. So I begged the family member not too as she promised me that he would never know he had been photographed because they had a guy. I should have known then to say no, anyone who has a guy is bad news. But this guy was supposed to be a retired private investigator and she assured me his legitimacy, so I reluctantly agreed then forgot all about it. Until last week when this relative handed me an envelop with pictures in it. I looked and there he was, posing in front of several prized possessions. His John Deer, a motor home, an enormous yard. I looked, then questioned. How did this relative's "guy" get these posed for pictures especially when he was supposed to do this "Without him knowing." I probed, well Laura did. "How per chanced did you get these photags of this dude in various poses?" "Well," the relative said, "He just went to the front door and said, pictures for a fathers day surprise and the guy happily obliged him." I probed more, well Laura did, "Exactly what will happen when he doesn't get any pictures for any Fathers Day surprise?" "I don't know."
I am thankful for the pictures, I have always wondered what he looked like and wanted to put a face on this monster I had built in my head, but to tell you the truth, I looked at the photos and I was unimpressed. The guy looked like a normal guy, he looked a lot like me. I was a bit disappointed. I think I wanted to see this devil of a guy with no real humanity attached so I can reaffirm my hatred that I struggle with daily for him. But I got this normal looking guy that left a kid behind without blinking. A normal unimpressive guy who drives John Deer tractors and loves the family he hung around for. Anyway, that's my week.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


Wings win! It was a great series, a lot was proven. Pitt was a great team that will be back next year. I have a tradition of going to the strip in Wyandotte after the Wings win the cup wearing adult diapers on the side of the road with the rest of my clothes painted on. We scream through the streets until the sun comes up or we can no longer make noise, then sleep. Last night I watched it alone at home. When they won, I sat there watching the TV and everyone else celebrating because I had an exam early this morning at 6:30. Sucks, however I did ace the exam, so as a consolation I get to succeed at school even though I suck at celebrating the Wings which is my favorite team and my favorite sport. But oh well, maybe next year.

Monday, June 2, 2008

One of the many faces of the Zombie throughout the years.

There is a pill for every feeling under heaven. There are pills to take away pain, there are pills to heighten your senses. There are pills to make you happy, there are pills to suppress your maniac. These are good things. But I look at the many ways I have tried to self medicate myself throughout my life. I have tried so much to numb my feelings, to escape the joy and pain of being alive. I made it a habit to suppress good things for fear of disappointment. I learned to hide away pain and do everything in my power to forget it, but nothing has worked. I drank every night to make myself pass out so I didn't have to feel anything, but then came nightmares. I shut myself off to everyone and tried to sabotage my life to keep others from seeing me for who I really am, but you can't really keep everyone out. We lie to ourselves when we think we are good at lying, there is always someone in every room that sees right through you. It isn't worth it. Living alone isn't worth it. The drugs don't work for everything, for some they make you worse. I want to feel everything. I want to feel the cutting sadness of life and the overwhelming joy. I want to not care if I get disappointed, I want to see the good in everything even if what I thought i wanted isn't at all what I expected.