Ben Folds- Brick reminds me of driving with my friend Joe talking about how much better we were than everyone else. The memory of the car I was driving is a little sketchy, but the conversation isn't. We were talking about how we would never, ever let a girl change us from who we were. We would never stop being stupid, we would do as we please when we pleased. We almost meant that at least I did, because a year or two later, Joe left for the military and let them change him. Me, I let Jesus change me. I was an arrogant little prick that none of you would have liked very much. Well maybe some of the people in the world who had low self-esteem and were looking for a bad person to be with. Someone who had the ability to self-destruct and drag everyone else down with him. I was a virus. My mom use to look at me and say, "Get behind me Satan." Ouch. Don't mince your words ma. But really, she was quite right. It wasn't that she didn't love me, It was that I had systematically dismantled everything goodin my life. But anyway I actually never believed I needed change. I always planned on killing myself and never needing it. God had other plans though.
I realize I have been a little preachy lately on this blog. Sorry I am not trying to do that, I just get so pissed off about stuff, and I am usually preaching at myself. So for a little while, I am going to write how I catalog memories with music. Not that you are interested but I want to write all of these things down before I die, or forget them. I think the best feeling is when you remember something you forgot a long time ago. My favorite Scottish grandma has Dementia and I think it is really sad because she is starting to lose the only real thing that isn't controlled by other people. Her memory is something the world can't touch or take away and she is losing it. I think that would be worse for me that being a vegetable.