Friday, April 11, 2008
Until They Are Watching
I used to be a poser of a skateboarder, somewhat of a skater parody. I would think I was so cool in my flipped up hat, Vision Street wear fanny pack (Yes I said fanny pack). I had these glasses that I saw on the show A Different World, Dwayne Wayne used to wear them. They were sunglasses that connected to your original glasses, only I didn't have original glasses, so I faked double vision to get them. Then I got my Dwayne Wayne flip up glasses that I would wear with slightly feathered hair and a muscle shirt with a gold chain that you can well see via the picture. I would ride around on that board all day long and never got better at it. I learned some tricks, but whenever someone was watching the fact that I was a fraudulent skater came shining through. Girls would watch all the time and it never failed, every time one was watching I could be just standing there and I would fall...hard. I gave up skating but I am not sure if I had given up being fraudulent. I used to like clowns because they were always covering up some truth, whether it be their make-up, their magic illusions, or their humor. I tried to be a clown, in paint you can be whoever you want to be and no one can see who you really are. It became habit and I became an accomplished liar. Until I got sick of the clown. I got sick of trying to be something to everyone when you can't be. I got sick of the lies and trying so hard to put on a happy face and be the funny guy. Well I liked the funny guy, but it wasn't always genuine. I was on autopilot. I started reading the Apostle Paul and he started talking about being sincere. Being transparent was something I was terrified to be. The thought of being who you are for everyone, even if they don't agree or like it was scary, but now I have found that it is the most liberating of things to do. I no longer care if people find who I am offensive. I care if I said something offensive to them, but if it is just me they don't like, fine, God bless and I'll be on my way. If you hate that I sin, I hate it too and am working on it. If it is my belief you do not like, speak to me and if you don't buy my explanation, then OK, we agree to disagree. There is always a reason that I believe something. I won't apologize for loving Jesus and being imperfect. I won't apologize for exercising the freedom I have in Jesus. I won't apologize for refusing to be fake, ever again. If Jesus is for me, who can be against me. I am done playing the part, I did that and as good of an actor that I was, I hated the play. So when they are watching, I still fall flat on my face. But at least I did so sincerely.
Labels: This blog is not directed at anyone person in particular characters are purely ficticious except for the village idiot writing about them and himself.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.