Monday, April 7, 2008
Would you consider yourself normal? I never have, yet I tell a select few of the awful thoughts I get at times and find out that I am not alone. I sometimes get the unspeakable urge to drive off the freeway into the viaduct. I used to work at a factory on a press. I would push the button and get the urge to put my hand in the press and I sometimes would flash it in and out before the press came down. Crazy. Stupid. I always have these awful visions of horrible things happening to my family, they make me sick and pissed that I had them or was even capable of imagining such horror. Like driving and just falling out of the car doing a barrel roll into traffic. What!? I got the nerve to tell some of my friends about this and found out about how they do the same things. One of my friends used to get visions of smacking her infant with a scalding, hot frying pan. I just cringed typing that. Another friend used to want to break glass in his hands when he held a glass or glass cup, even wanted to bite it. Another friend stopped using razors on his face because he could not stand the urges to shave sideways. What causes these urges? They are sick. Are we normal?
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.