Thursday, April 17, 2008


We all battle in our own ways. Doesn't matter how, but we fight. Right now I am a couple days into a serious slump. It helps for me to know others understand. There is nothing I want to do less than ask everyone to look at me, pity me, or listen to me feel sorry for myself. This is not my intention, my intention is to make record of how I feel, for selfish reasons. It would be nice for my whining to help someone, but I do it because someday I won't be around. Time flies by quickly and if you leave no record, their is nothing for others to read but fiction. I want to leave behind something even if it is memories portrayed on the internet for others to experience. I am just so tired of having to sensor myself for others benefit. Their are things that have happened that I will never be able to talk about over the internet, they are things that are not meant to be said in writing, things that make my own hands shake while thinking of them. But I want to be honest. I want to be known as a guy that even perfect strangers know. I don't want secrets, secrets crush people from the inside out. Ask an addict of anything what secrets do. I was little and I used to sleep on the top bunk of a set of bunk beds. My mom used to sponge paint everything in the house, so I used to draw shapes with my fingers around the walls trying to sleep. I fell a sleep one night while doing this and I woke up to this guy trying to zip my sleeping bag up over my head. It was my moms friend, but every peek I got of him as I struggled, his face changed. I saw shapes, I saw what I believed to be a monster, he was a monster. I struggled, but was not strong enough and I went limp to open my eyes to nothing. He was gone. Every night since i battle. You want to know why I am writing a blog about this at 3 AM when I have kids and work to get up for. That's why. Later into my teen years I experienced my friends committing suicide in which I had the joy of seeing. Sleeping was finished for me. Now nightmares until i got saved, I dreamed of demons, of death, and of awful things. So I drank a lot of booze to sleep, and after a case of beer, I would sleep and dream dreams that would mean nothing to you. I would get in the night and paint eyes all over my walls and graves and poetry. I would wake and not remember a moment of it. You wonder why I tried to kill myself? I got saved and God did away with most of the nightmares, to His glory. But because you are saved, it doesn't mean the battling stops, I think the contrary. When I say I can't let it go, I really believe it. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of smiling for a couple weeks, then tears for a couple more. I get so lonely sometimes that I just pray that someone else feels the same, just so I am not the only one. loneliness is a friend though. At least in the warped mind of this zombie. I hate it with every vessel in my body. Yet I cannot imagine life without it, because then I don't think I would feel anything during my bad times. I need to feel. Not feeling reminds me of trains. Which I also hate and love. I saw a counselor once. You want to know the two things he told me? "I am amazed that you are alive," and "You should go back to school." I think I get the school thing, he wants me to put my mind on unrelated things. But to tell me he is amazed I am alive? This guy was a psychologist, how does it amaze him that I am alive? Anyways. My eyes feel heavy, my heart feels heavy, this load and burden feels heavy. Sorry I have nothing of humor to say today. May God bless you. Also for those that do not know me that well, I am OK. I just need to write some things down without proof reading them.


  1. Your not alone. I have days I feel like a 500 ton Elephant is sitting on my chest. It feels like I am all alone with no where to go and no one to talk to.

    I liked what you said about how the struggle does not go away when we allow Christ into our lives. I agree in saying that the struggle can even be intensified. Before we are saved Satan tears at our minds because it is fun for him. When we are saved Satan tears at our minds because he fears us. The struggle never stops, it just changes.

    I too understand the aggrivation of feeling like you have to censor yourself. Lets do what we can not do that on these blogs.

    God bless my friend

  2. I do understand. Its exhausting. I'd write more but then I'd feel like I was turning the attention to me...which is not what I want to do. I envy your courage to really write whats going on inside. I'm glad you have God and Laura to support you...

  3. i was touched that after reading all that you're experiencing right now, you had the strength to write "May God bless you." it takes a special heart to ask for the blessings of God for others, when your own heart is so heavy.

    May God bless you too. i'm praying for you. and you are not alone. sometimes my loneliness feels like it's drowning me. i'll have days of highs, feeling joyful and blessed and close to God. then out of nowhere the inner clouds come and get so dark that they even rob me of my desire to pray.

    you are not alone. my prayers are with you. OUR prayers are with you. may they be your comfort and companion.

  4. You always make me feel less alone Adam. Please never stop. These are the kind of words that give me hope.

  5. Renee said:
    I left you a message on George's blog.

    May God Bless you and give peace and strenght. Your in my prayers.

  6. Adam mate, I struggle to know how to respond to this post. It is great you can say these things out loud (or type them anyway) and be honest about them.
    They are pretty intense things to read though. Stay strong man, you're doing it good!