Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Poop In Positive Thinking

Jer. 6:14 They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.
This is what the leaders were doing thousands of years before Jesus, during the time of Jesus, and today. It isn’t that bad, think positive. Let me ask you this, does just thinking positively change anything at all. I knew this lady who was told she had cancer, but it was a treatable form of it, with a 30% survival rate. She denied it. She decided that wasn’t going to believe it were true, she decided that Jesus had to heal her because she was a Christian and Christians should not die of cancer. She went to healing rallies, she saw Benny Hinn, the shyster faith healer on TV, she traveled all around the world listening to people tell her that Jesus spoke to them and told them she was going to die. Everyone was thinking positively about it, they gave her comfort and false visions and fake prophetic messages from God, they put a band-aid on the wound, but she ultimately died apart from her family as she was traveling across the country to see Benny Hinn for a second time. The cancer didn’t go away just because she thought positively about it. God does heal often, but not all the time. For some people, it was time for them to die. She could have spent that time with her family or getting medical treatments or whatever, God’s will would have prevailed anyways. The point is that the government, the leaders, the authority figures in our culture tell us that is will be OK, think positive, but paramedics are trained to say the same thing even when the patient is dying, to calm us down, to silence our cries for help for change. We need to change, we need to cry for help, we need to bring Jesus to those that need Him the most. This was the call and mission of Jesus, this is what He expects us to do on a daily basis. Don’t try to put a band-aid on a gaping wound, try to repair the wound. from the inside out. We need repair for our wounds and others need repair for theirs. God offers these repairs.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Jesus Wept

"When I brought myself to the pulpit to deliver the message...I wept. I wept for myself, the congregation, Christianity, and the world." Brad (The O-Filler)
I was sitting in church yesterday thinking randomly and and I thought about the blog that Brad (The O-Filler) posted called Everyone. I was thinking about what would happen if next time I taught, I got up and just allowed myself to cry. I say allowed because the Bible says inwardly all creation groans as in childbirth for the Day or something like that. I think that we need to allow ourselves to weep, we want to, we always have, we need to allow it. But if I were to allow myself to weep, maybe others in the church would allow themselves to weep. Then that would be the church service, and a good one at that. We sit and listen to talks, then sing some songs, then talk to some people, eat some snacks, then bye, bye. But isn't the Church about leaning together in a violent and turbulent world? If we were to weep together, we could heal together. There is too much fronting going on with Christians as if we are OK and have it all figured out. I will tell you this, there is no one that is OK. We are groaning inwardly, we are broken (Even if we don't feel broken) to our very core. A church that weeps together sees a glimpse of the face of God in each others tears. But we have to stop being so composed all the time. I know there is a time for order and a time for business, but how about a time to lose it? Like David did when he danced, like Jesus did when He wept or when he turned over the tables. We need a little emotion, a little fire to reach the world.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

From Neptune

Hello from space. We had to get away for a couple of days, the authorities are closing in on us and we got paranoid. Obviously I am joking, but yeah we took the family and some friends to Kalahari, an indoor water park in Ohio. It was fun, the place was huge and had a lot to do for both kids and adults, so we had fun. I am feeling better, my kids were angels, my wife didn't punch me in the face once for saying something really stupid. So it was a nice couple of days away. It was nice to not answer my cell phone. (If you tried to call me, I didn't answer not because I didn't want to talk to you, but because I didn't NEED to talk to you, of course that doesn't take into consideration whether or not you NEEDED to talk to me, if so, sorry.) It was nice to not have to sit in front of the TV and be all nervous as to whether the Red Wings were going to beat the Avalanche in our playoff game. It was nice to not look at the computer screen for a while. It was nice. Oh, and my daughter pooped in a swim diaper twice. Have a nice weekend my faceless internet friends.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Anonymous

There is a world of anonymous people out there. They live in musty old church buildings when everyone else has left. The janitors are all gone, the sanctuary so silent, the parking lot is empty save the half dozen cars owned by the nameless. The coffee reeks and tastes of brown hot water. There are week old cookies and donated dough nuts on the table and a dozen people sharing their most dark and intimate moments with each other. To the outside, the church is empty, but the inside it full of life. This is community at it's purest form. One person sharing, then another, then another all ready and willing to devote their lives to helping each other recover. Yet rehab is punishment, the anonymous people are anonymous not because of their own shame, but because we as society force them into shame. We look at them as rejects, idiots. We praise their efforts to better themselves from afar, then with the same lips, thank God we were not so stupid. One of them dies. My friend. Someone I have mistreated in the past and no one cares. A dozen anonymous people show up to pay their respects. Isn't this kind of community what Jesus intended. I think the anonymous people reflect Jesus more than I do. I think the anonymous still have names even if we choose to marginalize them as addicts. We are all addicted to something, the Bible says sin, we call it by a million different names, some we think are more honorable than others, but it is all the same. We need rehab. We need that community. We need to stop judging others. Stop being self-righteous, we are no better than the worst heathen. If you boast about how you do not struggle with something, or how you would never do that. Stop and think about what you would do and did do. No one on earth is righteous, not even one. So we need to take the planks out of our own eyes before we judge others.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

3 Ideas That Will Revolutionize Church...Forever

3 ideas to make church easier. All spoken in jest and created for fun by my late night small group that tends to get loopy after midnights.

1. A revolving door so that the Easter and Christmas people can go out as fast as they come in, they start the circle and grab some communion, put some cash in the box all around this little round-a-bout revolving door.

2. Drive-thru church. You buy an old Taco Bell or something. The parishioner drives up to the speaker and does confession into the speaker. They maybe say, "I punched and old woman," or something while those waiting behind are listening. They then drive around and go to the first window in which they pay some tithes and collect some tracs for their sinner friends. Then to the second window where they are told their penitence they are passed the communion elements through the window, then they are off on their merry way.

3. Drive-thru funeral. This one is a little sketchy but bear with me. You need an old White Castle for this one, both for it's grand looks and for it's steel mechanical drawer that collects your money and delivers your food. You drive up and tell the speaker who you are here to pay your respects to. You then drive around to the window in which your dead friend or relative is propped up in front of the window for you to see and get closer with. You pay some respects, then put your flowers into the mechanical basket to send to the deceased.

All three things are used because no one wants to have to deal with church people. Half the time I don't either.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Zombies Beard Makes History

So my beard got featured on Beards.org. http://www.beards.org/images/displayimage.php?pos=-4290

There are elements of my life that I hate, ie. my sleeping patterns, my lack of motivation, and my ability to see in the dark.

When I think about death, I think about wearing a tie everyday to work, listening to your boss puking orders at you while you are up to your knees in camel crap as it is. I think of all of the people that do the same routine everyday of their lives. They get up, they eat and get ready for their tie, then, they go off to the same job and do the same thing that they did the day before, just to come home and go to bed to do it again with no hope of something better. Not at all meaning a new job, but a new way of looking at life. Forget all the money, forget all the accomplishments, forget everything physical that we work for. God is hope, God is everything, not just something. That hopeless life is poison. That is death to me. I would rather freeze to death in my car.

Friday, April 18, 2008

All I Need

Today I caught myself beginning to weep at the gym. I was at the cable crossover machine working the triceps and listening to my ipod when I came upon a Phil Wickham song called, "Your Beautiful." The song is about the beauty of God. In the end part their is this bridge then a change. It goes from the beauty of God around us here, now, to the beauty of seeing God's face on the day we stand before Him. It moved me, made me want to dance in the gym. But instead of dancing, I shed a single tear, all the colors of the rainbow. Maybe it was God making me sad that I didn't dance at the gym when I wanted to, maybe I was ashamed and wanted to remain dignified, but I teared instead. Looked around and this old guy was watching, of course. He smiled. I laughed. Then he laughed. My face became flushed. We looked away. It was embarrassing and I think I would have preferred dancing around like David did. But in that moment I could feel what David felt and acted on. The beauty of God that is so intense it makes you NEED to dance. There is also this OneRepublic song and the chorus says, "All I need is the air I breathe and a place to raise my hands." Isn't that all we need? I have been struggling lately to not be such a capitalist pig and realize what I need and what I don't, and that statement puts me back into perspective. All I need is the air I breathe and a place to raise my hands.

On a totally unrelated note. Look at these cards you can get through Etsy.com. They are pretty funny, some of them are a bit disturbing.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


We all battle in our own ways. Doesn't matter how, but we fight. Right now I am a couple days into a serious slump. It helps for me to know others understand. There is nothing I want to do less than ask everyone to look at me, pity me, or listen to me feel sorry for myself. This is not my intention, my intention is to make record of how I feel, for selfish reasons. It would be nice for my whining to help someone, but I do it because someday I won't be around. Time flies by quickly and if you leave no record, their is nothing for others to read but fiction. I want to leave behind something even if it is memories portrayed on the internet for others to experience. I am just so tired of having to sensor myself for others benefit. Their are things that have happened that I will never be able to talk about over the internet, they are things that are not meant to be said in writing, things that make my own hands shake while thinking of them. But I want to be honest. I want to be known as a guy that even perfect strangers know. I don't want secrets, secrets crush people from the inside out. Ask an addict of anything what secrets do. I was little and I used to sleep on the top bunk of a set of bunk beds. My mom used to sponge paint everything in the house, so I used to draw shapes with my fingers around the walls trying to sleep. I fell a sleep one night while doing this and I woke up to this guy trying to zip my sleeping bag up over my head. It was my moms friend, but every peek I got of him as I struggled, his face changed. I saw shapes, I saw what I believed to be a monster, he was a monster. I struggled, but was not strong enough and I went limp to open my eyes to nothing. He was gone. Every night since i battle. You want to know why I am writing a blog about this at 3 AM when I have kids and work to get up for. That's why. Later into my teen years I experienced my friends committing suicide in which I had the joy of seeing. Sleeping was finished for me. Now nightmares until i got saved, I dreamed of demons, of death, and of awful things. So I drank a lot of booze to sleep, and after a case of beer, I would sleep and dream dreams that would mean nothing to you. I would get in the night and paint eyes all over my walls and graves and poetry. I would wake and not remember a moment of it. You wonder why I tried to kill myself? I got saved and God did away with most of the nightmares, to His glory. But because you are saved, it doesn't mean the battling stops, I think the contrary. When I say I can't let it go, I really believe it. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of smiling for a couple weeks, then tears for a couple more. I get so lonely sometimes that I just pray that someone else feels the same, just so I am not the only one. loneliness is a friend though. At least in the warped mind of this zombie. I hate it with every vessel in my body. Yet I cannot imagine life without it, because then I don't think I would feel anything during my bad times. I need to feel. Not feeling reminds me of trains. Which I also hate and love. I saw a counselor once. You want to know the two things he told me? "I am amazed that you are alive," and "You should go back to school." I think I get the school thing, he wants me to put my mind on unrelated things. But to tell me he is amazed I am alive? This guy was a psychologist, how does it amaze him that I am alive? Anyways. My eyes feel heavy, my heart feels heavy, this load and burden feels heavy. Sorry I have nothing of humor to say today. May God bless you. Also for those that do not know me that well, I am OK. I just need to write some things down without proof reading them.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Smudged Up Glass

And in the end, we get cut, we bleed, then heal. Repeat.

It isn't a good day and last night felt evil. It was darker outside, a bit chillier. I was still on the road at 3:30 AM looking for a friend who had gone missing, driving home a friend who had gone ailing from the hospital. Then to bed where I lay there turning over and over, not knowing what to do with my long, lanky arms. It was one of those nights I used to have when I was a teenager. I would get myself into some drama and watch it unfold until the wee hours of the morning, then sleep. It felt familiar to me, a little nostalgic. Brought back some memories that I haven't thought about in quite a while. Memories of my friends and I at Denny's after a very long night watching the sun come up through smudged up glass outside of a dirty little booth. It reminded me of when Joe and I spent the night outside in on the dock in the park hanging over the water. We burned our initials into the wood and talked about who we were going to be or if we were going to be. At the time I had no plans to be at all. We watched the sun rise and went home with dark eyes and nothing of value to speak of except this memory. Last night reminded me that life is a cycle of getting washed, rinsed, spun, then dried. Repeat. It reminds me that the cuts I have had were much worse, deeper before today. God has brought me a long way, a long way from being miserable. Last night reminded me that I once laid my head down on some tracks with my body angled so my head would get run over first. That night was a thousand years ago, but I still remember it vividly. Last night may or may not have been good for me, but it certainly has shaped the way I feel today. I am lethargic, sad, but hopeful for the future. My wife was beautiful enough to take my kids to Nana's for the day, so I could sleep. She is so supportive. I don't always give her credit for that.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

New Most Hated Phrase

I'm going green. I am so sick of hearing this. Like if they were actually turning green, would be the only acceptable excuse for saying this. Unless you are turning into the hulk or the Jolly Green Giant, stop telling people you are turning into my favorite color. Now some of my friends will ask, "I thought blue was your favorite color?" The answer? "That was before I decided to go green". I am joking of course. I did change my mind though. The dumb thing about it is I like the fact that people are consuming less and more responsibly, it just bothers me when people are hypocritical about it. Some things are OK and others are not. You can't say you are green and drive a gas guzzling vehicle. I drive a mini-van because I have too many children, but you won't catch me lecturing anyone on consuming less. You can't be for animal rights and wear leather shoes or carry a leather purse. You can't be anti-war and be pro-abortion. Be consistent. If you hate violence, hate all violence. I do. I hate it. I hate war, I hate abortion, I hate corporate killing through a capitalistic country, I hate unfair trade both here and overseas. I think the lives of the Iraqis are just as precious as the lives of Americans. I I think Jesus loves terrorists and extremists just as much as He loves fundamentalists. If you are for love, be for love for everyone, not just your friends, that's easy, but your enemies too.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A Time

But what if I can't let go? Are all wounds meant o be healed? There are people that have to live with horror for a reason. I am reading Job and the advice from his friends is pretty familiar to the way we console each other. What Job's friends didn't take into account was that his pain was no accident and had nothing to do with his sin. Why is it so hard for us to accept that some are going to live lives in pain because God chooses not to heal us? The church tells you to lay all of your problems down at the feet of Jesus and be healed. But the Bible never promises physical or mental healing during this lifetime. So yeah, we can lay them down, but it won't always take away the pain or sorrow. I think we are supposed to feel that. Why else would God give us a nervous system? To show us when something is seriously wrong. Ecclesiastes gives one of my favorite passages. Like the song.
Eccl. 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
I like it because I have been through so much of these things and it brings me joy knowing that I am not alone. God says there is a time for these things. I used to feel bad because I was so sad all the time and everyone kept telling me that I am not letting God's Spirit control me, that I was holding on to this stuff for whatever reason. I agree I am holding on to it. But what if I can't let it go? Not won't let it go. What if it is there for a reason. I am sad. Right now in fact. Right now is a time to be silent. I time to mourn, a time to scatter stones. After the sun sets it will be time to uproot, but for now, silence.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


Crappy Saturday after a crappy week. Woke up, badly, went to the gym, and cleaned house most of the day. The Red Wings won, so that was cool, but now we have to go to the grocery store and do a lot of shopping because we had to throw most everything out because our basement flooded and the insurance company sent over a professional water clean-up company that obviously does mostly industrial work because they put 10 fans in the basement to blow around all of the mildew and moldy stuff from the flood all over the place and through the vents into the whole house. It smells, it feels unsafe even though they assure us we are fine and they made a huge mistake that they aren't telling the insurance company about that I think is going to hurt us in the long run. So it has been all about clean-up here. I hate that because the weekends are usually such a needed rest for us, not this week though, but oh well. Oh and we had to take cold showers today as well. That sucks.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Until They Are Watching

I used to be a poser of a skateboarder, somewhat of a skater parody. I would think I was so cool in my flipped up hat, Vision Street wear fanny pack (Yes I said fanny pack). I had these glasses that I saw on the show A Different World, Dwayne Wayne used to wear them. They were sunglasses that connected to your original glasses, only I didn't have original glasses, so I faked double vision to get them. Then I got my Dwayne Wayne flip up glasses that I would wear with slightly feathered hair and a muscle shirt with a gold chain that you can well see via the picture. I would ride around on that board all day long and never got better at it. I learned some tricks, but whenever someone was watching the fact that I was a fraudulent skater came shining through. Girls would watch all the time and it never failed, every time one was watching I could be just standing there and I would fall...hard. I gave up skating but I am not sure if I had given up being fraudulent. I used to like clowns because they were always covering up some truth, whether it be their make-up, their magic illusions, or their humor. I tried to be a clown, in paint you can be whoever you want to be and no one can see who you really are. It became habit and I became an accomplished liar. Until I got sick of the clown. I got sick of trying to be something to everyone when you can't be. I got sick of the lies and trying so hard to put on a happy face and be the funny guy. Well I liked the funny guy, but it wasn't always genuine. I was on autopilot. I started reading the Apostle Paul and he started talking about being sincere. Being transparent was something I was terrified to be. The thought of being who you are for everyone, even if they don't agree or like it was scary, but now I have found that it is the most liberating of things to do. I no longer care if people find who I am offensive. I care if I said something offensive to them, but if it is just me they don't like, fine, God bless and I'll be on my way. If you hate that I sin, I hate it too and am working on it. If it is my belief you do not like, speak to me and if you don't buy my explanation, then OK, we agree to disagree. There is always a reason that I believe something. I won't apologize for loving Jesus and being imperfect. I won't apologize for exercising the freedom I have in Jesus. I won't apologize for refusing to be fake, ever again. If Jesus is for me, who can be against me. I am done playing the part, I did that and as good of an actor that I was, I hated the play. So when they are watching, I still fall flat on my face. But at least I did so sincerely.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


What is the reality of being a Christian? We believe that something unseen created everything, we believe that water flooded the world and separated the continents, we believe Moses parted the Red Sea in half, we believe that a virgin had a baby, who was God and rose form the dead, we believe that a donkey spoke to a man, we believe that the dead were raised at the moment of Jesus' resurrection. We believe a lot of things, but you know what is more unbelievable than any of those things? That a man would create itself naturally over millions of years. That is absurd, in fact any other explanation other than God is absurd. But you know what is really weird about faith in Jesus? It doesn't change everything. It doesn't change the sadness you feel, it gives you hope for something better, it doesn't change our illnesses and death, it gives us spiritual healing and sometimes physical. It doesn't change your desire to sin or even the frequency of it, but it washes it away, clean. It won't make you smile all the time, but it will make you smile sometimes. It won't always make you know what God wants from us, but there is a book that helps. It never promised an easy road, but it promised a road that is worth while and a happy destination and a whole lot of happy along the way. Some Christians walk around all the time with nothing but joy and if that is real, than I envy and pray for that. For those of us that struggle, and bleed, we have a hope of better things. God has given us hope of being repaired. For those that are sad, God desires to wipe away the tears, but still there is always a time for crying. For those struggling with illness, we may get sicker, and we may die, but to be with Christ in person is better than life. You won't be rich with wealth because your a believer, but God gives us riches of a different kind. I am rich, I am rich, we are rich.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Ah A New Pillow

Last night I was kept awake by the shear excitement that I was sleeping on a brand new Meijer bought, quilted top, white $12.99 pillow. It was fluffy, it wasn't firm and it had not been drooled on yet by me or my son. It smelled like something new, like when you change your sheets and pillowcases, that smell that makes you feel safe from Ebola. Anyways, it is a nice day in Michigan today, a good day to be a grizzly bear. This is now the third day in a row that we have had nice weather, so tomorrow there will be snow. That's how I like it though, I wouldn't have it any other way. The way Michigan weather changes constantly is tailor made for the way I feel I need to live. Today I have a beard, maybe tomorrow I will not. 2 weeks ago I had longer hair, today it is all shaved off, all done on a whim without any thought whatsoever. That is how I roll, I like spontaneous change. I like to move, I hate the packing and stuff, but the being somewhere new thing is awesome. I like to change the way I think too. This is harder because we tend to become stubborn and unteachable when we are set in our ways, but when God changes your mind, He changes your mind and everything else seems to follow at least with me. I had a small group last night and the topic was silence, only that was boring so we talked about capitalism and what it has done to this country. The more we spoke about it, the more I consider myself a socialist, not the communist variety, but of the variety where all people are cared for, where we all pay in and we all benefit. One particular issue I am debating with myself is health care reform. I will not be voting for Hillary this year because she endorses abortion and I think she is not very intelligent, but what I am intrigued by is the socialized health care system used in Canada. I have family in Canada and they love it, they pay more taxes, but they love it. My mom pays $510 for insurance here every month, that includes only 3 office visits and no brand name prescriptions. She just got done battling cancer and has several various other medical issues. She pays have of my mortgage on health care that does not pay out unless, she is dying. How is this OK for our country. The poor, who cannot afford to buy insurance don't get proper health care. Most are against the socialized health care because it raises taxes and makes our doctor waits longer while all of the people with no health care die. I think Jesus would be all for us giving our money to help the poor get medical help. I think having to wait in longer lines is a poor reason for not helping those in need. Insurance of every kind is corrupted, one of the biggest rip-offs ever. The law requires you to have Home-owners insurance, but unless your house burns down naturally, they won't pay you. The law requires you to have car insurance, but it will only pay for who you hits car to be repaired, unless you pay a ridiculous amount more per month in which you will never hurt your car as much as you are paying per month. The law does not require health insurance because our lives do require it. Doctors charge more due to insurance companies who charge more because of doctors fees. Something does have to change. Speaking of change, I realized just now that I was in a good mood, then I tangented and now I am frustrated. I will go cool down now.

Monday, April 7, 2008


Would you consider yourself normal? I never have, yet I tell a select few of the awful thoughts I get at times and find out that I am not alone. I sometimes get the unspeakable urge to drive off the freeway into the viaduct. I used to work at a factory on a press. I would push the button and get the urge to put my hand in the press and I sometimes would flash it in and out before the press came down. Crazy. Stupid. I always have these awful visions of horrible things happening to my family, they make me sick and pissed that I had them or was even capable of imagining such horror. Like driving and just falling out of the car doing a barrel roll into traffic. What!? I got the nerve to tell some of my friends about this and found out about how they do the same things. One of my friends used to get visions of smacking her infant with a scalding, hot frying pan. I just cringed typing that. Another friend used to want to break glass in his hands when he held a glass or glass cup, even wanted to bite it. Another friend stopped using razors on his face because he could not stand the urges to shave sideways. What causes these urges? They are sick. Are we normal?

Guy Witnesses An Accident

You have to listen to this audio. I peed a little after listening.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


My first and favorite Scottish Grandma
I am dysfunctional and I know it. I think that us why God put me with such a stable wife with a generally stable family ;) I was raised in an unstable environment with 2 family members to speak of, my mom and my brother. When I met Laura it was a culture shock for me, I used to spend every dime of my money, and call off work every time I got the itch to breathe fresh air, which was a lot. My wife though was the opposite, she was a picture of faithfulness and responsibility, so that didn't set too well with me because she couldn't understand for good reason why I was living like a nomad. She went to college right out of high school and stuck it out until she was done. I am still in college now because I thought my knowledge as a nomad with street cred would be enough to help me succeed. What I am lacking, God has given me in Laura and what she is lacking God has given her in me, it isn't much but what i do well, I do well...I think. God is good, I am about to go to church now to be with my brothers from other mothers, but we are of the same Father.

Friday, April 4, 2008


Watch this video. I love it.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Heart Defects

I once died of a heart attack. Really. I know my stories sound unbelievable, but it is true. I have a heart defect. It is called Wolfe Parkinson White Syndrome. It causes your heart to speed up to dangerous levels, then starts skipping beats leaving you in danger of stoppage of the heart altogether. Then the heart will slow down to dangerous levels, then sometimes stop. This one is dangerous because when the heart stops it does not start on it's own. I used to have these horrible chest pains that would drop me to the floor in agony. My friends would just stand by and watch and hope it goes away soon as I writhed, because I needed for no one to touch me when I was in this pain. There is nothing more frustrating than when you are in serious pain and someone asks you if you are OK, which is why Jesus' response to the cross is so amazing...the very thought of forgiveness in that kind of pain, the way He was still focused on others while inside Him was agony. One day, my heart stopped. I lost all involuntary body functions, in other words, I crapped my pants. I was sitting at the table only weeks after giving my life to Jesus and it just stopped. I was dead. Then my eyes opened. My heart started. The heart does not start again by itself. Period. Ever. But then my heart started. The hand of God, the breath of life given again. I remember opening my eyes and thinking how ironic it was that I was saved from suicide, but here I am dying a couple weeks later, yet I still breathe. I spent a week in the hospital, the youngest person there by 55 years. In my shared room, I had 4 roommates, 3 of whom died while i was in there. I was lying next to 3 guys that died in front of me and I was alive. God is different, He is strange, God is wonderful and full of surprises. My heart by the way was just 2 weeks ago deemed normal after 11 years of irregular EKGs. God repairs even what we break. I am sure that all of my drinking and smoking and lack of sleep and everything else I was into had something to do with the problem. The doctors labeled me a mystery, which is to date my favorite thing that has ever been said to me, number two would be this: "People like you make me scared about the world." It was posted in one of the comments on one of my blogs. My wife wonders why I find this complimentary. Because God is is mysterious and does things we can't understand, and what we don't understand scares us. So if that guy saw that in me, I am thrilled. God cures heart defects whether they are physical or spiritual.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Do You Believe In Miracles...All The Colors Of The Rainbow

Is screaming Jesus in a storm the same as screaming fire in a theater? If Jesus is indeed not in the storm as the fire is not in the theater? Both have the ability to clear a room quickly. In the Bible, there is this story of Jesus feeding 5 thousand plus people with a kids sack lunch. In the story the bread and fish make it the whole way around and there is still some food left. This has been considered a miracle by most people who believe it happened. The people had been sitting most of the day listening to Jesus teach... they got hungry, so Jesus, no big deal, says feed them this and hands over this basket or brown sack lunch. Imagine the look on the disciples faces. They do it anyways which is a testament to their faith and the miracle is performed. The Bible says immediately after this, Jesus sent the disciples ahead of Him on a boat. They are emotionally high on just witnessing a miracle, kinda jacked that Jesus just did what He did right in front of them. It reminds me of when I was a little guy, my friends and I were walking down the street and I thew a bottle up in the air to come crashing down in the road with all of the neighbors watching, they were like, what the heck man as we ran really fast. I think the disciples felt a little like this, not expecting Jesus to pull off this miracle. But they are in the boat without Jesus and a storm arises, a bad one, and they are in like a dingy or something floating along and they are terrified for their lives. The wind and waves threaten to overturn them sending them doggy paddling in the drink in a storm. They naturally are afraid of death and to make things worse here comes Jesus, walking on the water. Matt. 14:24 but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. 25 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. Read that again. Not very descriptive here is it. There was a storm and then there was Jesus walking on the water. You would think the writer would make a bigger deal out of it, but maybe he is used to this kind of thing from Jesus, the miracle worker. A couple of summers ago I was out on the lake with a friend of mine in a boat in the middle of the night. The sky was pitch black and it was calm except for the sound. The sound of silence can be one of the scariest things ever, so scary it started freaking us out, so I can imagine a guy come walking up on the water during this already scary time in a storm must have made them want to doo doo their tunics. We were freaked so we went back to shore. The next morning, no lie, a tornado came whipping through the back yard throwing a huge tree through the roof nearly killing us. But I think about those disciples in the midst of this storm and they are afraid and Jesus comes walking on the water. What do you do, I am tempted to jump out of the boat out of fear and so are they, until Peter asks to come walking out to Jesus. I love this part because as bad as a wrap as Peter has had in the past, He has witnessed what Jesus can do, so he believes Jesus, if it is Jesus, can do the same for him. He steps out and walks until he takes his eyes off of Jesus and puts them back to the waves and sinks, only to be saved by Jesus. Why did he sink? Because he took his eyes off of Christ who gives real power. He looks to the waves and his own fear and away from the One that can keep him from falling and he sinks. This is what happens when we focus on the fear, when we focus on the hate and anger, when we focus on anything but Christ. We sink too. Jesus told them that food was no problem when He feeds the people with nothing, now He is telling them that death is no problem, fear is no problem, waves are no problem when we keep our eyes trained on Jesus.

Time Travel Idea

I had a small group tonight. It was a late one, I host a small group at my house for people on the afternoon shift starting at 11 PM, so it gets a little loopy and interesting. So we get into this conversation about Y2K. Yes I know that scare is over, but we were talking about how much of a big sham it was, people buying water and food by the case, getting generators hooked into their homes. We remembered that they used to say you can set your computer backwards 100 years to trick your computer into thinking it wasn't the year 2000. That led to this awesome idea. What would happen if you set your computer backwards for 100 years and went to Google or whatever and you get on the front page news part news form 100 years ago. Like Abe Lincoln gets shot or something. That would be weird. I know we are supposed to be talking about Jesus and stuff like that, but the idea of computer time travel was irresistible to us. Anyways, it has been a very long day: Got up at 6:15 AM after going to sleep at 12:30 AM, worked all day, did some stuff, then had the small group. It is now 2:38 AM and I am writing a blog. What is my problem, what would be so wrong with me going to bed and actually sleeping for a change. It isn't as if I were missing something like this huge party that happens when I close my eyes. OK, I am going to go to sleep, goodnight or good morning to those that are reading this now.