Tuesday, March 25, 2008
My Life As A King
So I said in a previous post that God was trying to tell me something and I just couldn't hear Him yet. I still can't, clearly I mean. Weird things have been happening to me, I have been made aware of my own materialism problem by the conviction to get rid of all my things and live on the streets with the poor, not that God is telling me to do so, or maybe He is I don't know. Laura and I have been casually talking about adoption lately, so while eating lunch, I went to some adoption agency websites to get a handle on what we are talking about if Laura and I decided to adopt. I got flooded with pictures and stories of children being abandoned on doorsteps and in dumpsters and parks. I looked through the pictures and as I was looking I was made aware of how shallow I was. I looked at the cute kids. Doesn't that suck? I looked at the cute kids, not the ones that had defects, not the one that had AIDS, not the one that had an overgrown head. All of the kids need a home, but which ones get adopted first? The cute ones. What about the kids that aren't so cute and have problems. Would Christ look at how they look? I don't think so. So now I am ashamed of myself. I feel something radical coming though, like God is changing everything I have conditioned myself to think and feel to be something else entirely. Not sure, we'll see how it pans out. So here I sit with my hands folded, thinking about kings and crowns, the poor and the destitute. I think there is an aspect of me in both of those things. I sit in this house that I have always kind of been discontent with, that the poor would consider a palace. I have this job that allows me the opportunity to help people, yet I have been discontent and always wanting for more. I have this wife who lights up the whole world, and yet I yell at her. I have these kids that make my stomach hurt because I love them so much, and yet I take them for granted and act foolishly. I have the life of a king and yet I feel destitute. I should feel destitute, I want to feel destitute. Mother Theresa said that "Loneliness is the most terrible poverty." Which I guess is why the majority of people that kill themselves are white middle to upper class people. Loneliness is like a person to me sometimes, I do not want to not be lonely, because then what will be left. It is a dumb way to think and it makes no sense at all, but since when do we get our feelings to match with our thoughts? But I have this desire to forget all of the things I have and live poor, because all of the Glory of God is in the poor. Miracles happen daily for the poor, you see the eyes of Christ when you look at the poor. I want that, I want to recognize Christ everyday. I want to see what I haven't seen in my life as a king.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.