Sunday, March 30, 2008
Bone Marrow? Would You?
My wife and I were just watching Eli Stone from last week and we got into a discussion. One of the law cases on the show was a father trying to legally force his estranged son into donating bone marrow to keep him alive. The thing was, the father had left him at birth and repeatedly denied the kids attempt to have a relationship with his father. The kid won and told the court that he had gotten the blood test to see if he were compatible just so he could tell his father he was Sh&% out of luck. The kid finally rejects the father. Being a kid whose father did the same thing, I laughed. My wife looked at me as I was laughing as if I had said the F word or something. Then I realized what I was laughing at, the revenge, the scene felt good to me for that kid to finally be able to hold the cards. We started talking and trying to figure out what would happen if that were the case with my father. What would I do? My instinct tells me to send this guy to the grave begging me for mercy, but after further thought, I don't think I would, I know I wouldn't. That would make me the killer, that would make me the guy who just needed revenge so badly that he was able to watch a man die. God says revenge is His, and I believe it, I have to believe it. I have to believe that somewhere out there is an old man that will regret what he did or didn't do for his child. I really do pray his regret is not on the day he stands before God, but I do pray he feels like a guy should when he put his own son in a house and set it on fire. Yet, I cannot complain because I am who I am because God let him do what he did. I am stronger now. I believe harder. I know God because I had to walk through some fire and saw the chaff burned away in front of me. I may be charred, but that is by design. I am broken hearted, but that serves to keep me from being cold hearted. If I were to make the decision to be not the killer my father deserves, but the son my God made, I will always be the man that was better than that guy. I know I shouldn't judge and shouldn't consider myself better and in reality I don't, but in this instance I took the high road as he crawled. I am crippled at times with sadness, soaked in tears, and I never recovered, but I am also a son of God, taken care of, nurtured, clothed in Christ's blood, and refined through flames and still walking through them, still breathing. I wrote this in my suicide letter a long time ago, "Cover me in ashes, abandon me in the cold, I'll still be here, I'll still exist." I still believe this, not in the same way, at the time I would wake up and find this written above me in my room and not remember doing it. I thought it referred to the inability this world has to make me disappear completely. But now, call me weird, but I believe it was prophecy given to me by God at a time that I was going to try and erase myself. I was little, in elementary school and this girl that was kinda dorky wrote me this page long thing in my yearbook. I didn't even want her to sign it, but what it said will never leave my head, I had not really spoken to her at all and here she goes with all of this stuff about me not waiting in the shadows for long and standing up and leading and being the man that God will use. There was so much more, it creeped me out, I was in the 4th grade and had idea what she was talking about, that one day I would be someone. I never forgot that and never will because that is how God rolls. I believe in miracles.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.