Sunday, March 30, 2008

Bone Marrow? Would You?

My wife and I were just watching Eli Stone from last week and we got into a discussion. One of the law cases on the show was a father trying to legally force his estranged son into donating bone marrow to keep him alive. The thing was, the father had left him at birth and repeatedly denied the kids attempt to have a relationship with his father. The kid won and told the court that he had gotten the blood test to see if he were compatible just so he could tell his father he was Sh&% out of luck. The kid finally rejects the father. Being a kid whose father did the same thing, I laughed. My wife looked at me as I was laughing as if I had said the F word or something. Then I realized what I was laughing at, the revenge, the scene felt good to me for that kid to finally be able to hold the cards. We started talking and trying to figure out what would happen if that were the case with my father. What would I do? My instinct tells me to send this guy to the grave begging me for mercy, but after further thought, I don't think I would, I know I wouldn't. That would make me the killer, that would make me the guy who just needed revenge so badly that he was able to watch a man die. God says revenge is His, and I believe it, I have to believe it. I have to believe that somewhere out there is an old man that will regret what he did or didn't do for his child. I really do pray his regret is not on the day he stands before God, but I do pray he feels like a guy should when he put his own son in a house and set it on fire. Yet, I cannot complain because I am who I am because God let him do what he did. I am stronger now. I believe harder. I know God because I had to walk through some fire and saw the chaff burned away in front of me. I may be charred, but that is by design. I am broken hearted, but that serves to keep me from being cold hearted. If I were to make the decision to be not the killer my father deserves, but the son my God made, I will always be the man that was better than that guy. I know I shouldn't judge and shouldn't consider myself better and in reality I don't, but in this instance I took the high road as he crawled. I am crippled at times with sadness, soaked in tears, and I never recovered, but I am also a son of God, taken care of, nurtured, clothed in Christ's blood, and refined through flames and still walking through them, still breathing. I wrote this in my suicide letter a long time ago, "Cover me in ashes, abandon me in the cold, I'll still be here, I'll still exist." I still believe this, not in the same way, at the time I would wake up and find this written above me in my room and not remember doing it. I thought it referred to the inability this world has to make me disappear completely. But now, call me weird, but I believe it was prophecy given to me by God at a time that I was going to try and erase myself. I was little, in elementary school and this girl that was kinda dorky wrote me this page long thing in my yearbook. I didn't even want her to sign it, but what it said will never leave my head, I had not really spoken to her at all and here she goes with all of this stuff about me not waiting in the shadows for long and standing up and leading and being the man that God will use. There was so much more, it creeped me out, I was in the 4th grade and had idea what she was talking about, that one day I would be someone. I never forgot that and never will because that is how God rolls. I believe in miracles.


  1. wow, what a powerful story. it shows us how important it is to tread lightly on people's hearts - because you never know when you will need them to reach down and pull you up. that estranged father never looked back or cared about his son...until he needed him. it's funny how we humans will so carelessly hurt those we love, but then arrogantly expect them to risk life and limb to help us out of a crisis. it's amazing.

    it's kind of like how we are with God. we do all kinds of things to sin against Him, we disobey Him, we don't always fully commit to Him, but we EXPECT Him to come through for us when we need and want. thank HIM for being so merciful to us.

    that being said, like you, i couldn't refuse to help my father in that situation. i couldn't live with myself knowing that i was the only one who had the ability to help save his life, and i let him die out of revenge. God would NOT be cool with that. it would torment me for the rest of my life.

    as hard (hard, impossible, agonizing)as it is sometimes, i try to remind myself of "if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink." Romans 12:20. can't say that i've always been successful at that though.

    BUT it does help to know that further in that Scripture passage, it says that "in doing so, you shall reap coals of fire on his head." :-) and that incredibly kind gesture may be the thing that changes his cold heart.

  2. I think they should make a movie of your life Adam. More people should hear this.

    There's such amazing hope in your story. God is real.

  3. Haha, funny you should say that because I am a narcissist, I did write a film a movie about my life. We are in the editing stages right now. That is so funny that you said that.

  4. I thought narcissists were in love with themselves? You don't really seem to have that problem.

    I've been reading some of your past posts, and I've come to the conclusion that since you are already saying all the things in my head, writing my own blog would simply be redundant.

    I can't wait for the movie to hit theatres. I can tell my friends, "Yeah, I used to know him, but now that he's famous, he won't take my calls."

  5. It's quite possible I may actually be retarded.

    However, I have successfully raised your comments on this post to five, so you look very popular right now.