Tuesday, February 26, 2008
When The Birds Stop Singing
It is interesting to see what happens when you cage a bird. When I was young, I saw a wounded bird, it had a hurt leg. I took it home and fed it for days with a medicine dropper and baby food. It ate, it grew a little, got back some of it's strength, but never got back it's desire to fly. I left for the weekend and asked my mom to take care of the bird with this ridiculous eating regiment and physical therapy (For the birds leg). I came back to find a new bird in a new cage and Sammy (The wild bird) in a shoebox eternally sleeping. The bird was only injured in the leg and I did exactly what the books told me to do to help the wounded bird recover, but it never did. I was fighting death with this bird and I lost. Sammy stopped singing long before I left for that weekend and he would have died whether I was there or not. Taking away what made him a bird was worse than that aching leg. With the leg, Sammy couldn't walk, with the cage, Sammy couldn't fly. I loved that stupid bird, but it taught me a lesson in life. When you stop something from being what it is, it will die. Maybe not physically all the time, but it will die none the less. I feel like this sometimes, like something has been taken from me and I have never recovered. Like everyone is trying to help me, my wife, my friends, my church, especially God, but I can't take it because I don't feel like singing all the time. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel at home all the time, and I need to recover from something that I cannot even put my finger on. But you should know that I am OK. God is working in me all the time. God is repairing me, teaching me how to sing when it isn't sunny. You may have noticed these blogs taking a depressing tone over the last week or so, and I am sorry about that. I write in blogs because It feels better to not hold things in. When I hold things in, I feel alone. I don't like to express myself to people while speaking because no one signed up to hear my story and if you are reading my blog, your signing up and I don't feel bad like I am boring you or annoying you. I am sure in a week or two, things get much sunnier, but for now. Blah
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.