Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Sitting, Watching The Cursor Blink

There was this great part in a horrible movie called, Once Upon A Time In Mexico when Johnny Depp goes into a restaurant and starts to eat his food with a friend. He takes a bite of food and tells the other guy that the food was so good that he was going to shoot the cook. He went about his meal and later got up to leave and walked into the back and pulled a gun and shot that cook. This scene best describes the way I have felt in my life. Most days I don’t get the opportunity for something amazing to happen to me, I mean the kind of amazing that doesn’t happen every other day, because I realize how amazing it is to breathe, I really do. But every once in a while something happens that seems great to me, too great for me, and I squash it. A person comes into my life that a really good person to hang out with and is genuine about life, I avoid a friendship. Something really good happens to me, something that cannot be explained away, reject it and run. It is a pattern that I have always had in my life and unfortunately it was a pattern I took with God as well. I have been a Christian for over 10 years now and I am just now learning the point of what Jesus did. For 10 years I have believed that nothing could separate me from God’s love, I believed it, but I didn’t believe it for me, for everyone else it was true and I would die for it, but for me, it couldn’t be true. God couldn’t possibly love me. Let me just tell you now that I am and always have been filth. If you look up to me, do not. Try to look past my stupidity and see God in my, because He is anything and everything good in me. I have had this problem with feeling worthy of the love of others and maybe I am not worthy of the love of others, I have hurt a lot of people on purpose all in the name of being some sort of victim, so that gave me the right to be careless with others. But lately this feeling is changing. Maybe I am starting to believe the truth for myself, not the way you believe something when you read it, but when you experience it. I know it now, I feel it, I have experienced the love of God despite being broken, maybe because I am broken. It has taken so long to let go of all of the self hate I have lived with my whole life. Last year I would have told you I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to ever stop being lonely. Because it was my friend. Sadness was like a person to me, I person that comes and stays with you and makes fun of you and laughs at you in your own house, but you can’t ask him to leave because you feel like he is all you really have and having a bad thing is better than nothing at all. It is hard to explain in a way in which you can understand, but this is how I have lived. I wish so badly that churches would stop perpetuating this very lie because I didn’t get this lie form the world, I got it from the church. I was raised in bad churches. I was raised with the belief that God was a set of rules that if you broke, you would find yourself on the wrong side of God’s love, the side that is dark and doesn’t ever get to see it. The problem was I broke the rules...a lot. I broke most all of them because that is me, having to push the envelop and find out for myself. So breaking them made me think I could not be loved by God, so I couldn’t believe in a God that loved me as much as the next guy because I didn’t believe the next guy was as bad as me until I learned they are by experience. I am not finished with this way of thinking completely, but I am growing and learning and being changed everyday, but I do know that God loves me no matter what I do. He loves me more than I love my children. My kids can make me so mad, but I will walk into their room and look at them sleeping and want to cry, nothing ever could separate me form loving them, God feels this a million times stronger for me...and you.

1 comment:

  1. Wow.. This blog of yours reminds me so much of myself. I am the same way.

    "My kids can make me so mad, but I will walk into their room and look at them sleeping and want to cry, nothing ever could separate me form loving them, God feels this a million times stronger for me...and you."
    This part brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I do the same exact thing, and that is so beautiful and true. God's love is so much more than ours... wow, it's mind-blowing. Thanks for bringing such a revelation to me.

    ~ Jen