Monday, February 11, 2008
Sitting at home, really sick. Thinking about some things, like depression. I have plenty of family history of depression and anxiety in my family, and sadly, I too have my own issues and struggles with it. I was driving and talking to my wife yesterday as we were making our way to see me daughter for her 11th birthday, about the funk I had been in that lasted a year or so. Half of last year and most of 2006, I was like a walking zombie at times, lonely, depressed, and sad for no reason. It was weird, I felt so badly for no visible reason at all. Getting old made me sad, thinking about the past made me sad, I was lonely all of the time, and yet I could not live my life without the loneliness. It was like a weird friend of mine that hated my guts, yet I needed him around just so I could feel something. I went to a psychologist a few times during this period and all he could do was keep telling me how important it was to go back to college and finish. I don't and didn't really get the significance or relevance in his advice, so I stopped going. Turns out, a psychologist was not what I needed, I needed to let go of my life. The Bible says, Luke 17:33 Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. This passages' meanings are much more than what I am talking about now, but for me this passage speaks, not just of salvation form hell or admittance into eternal life, it speaks to me now, it speaks to my desire to be who I am my way, which really isn't me at all. I tried and tried to live my life with some sort of control over how I felt, what was going on, and what happened was more misery. So I let go. I could not even imagine my life without the loneliness, but I let go. And what happened next was nothing short of a miracle. I realize that God was holding on. He wasn't letting go. God says enough is enough of me wrecking myself and He changes me. The transformation is similar to the transformation that took place when I first gave my life to God in that I realized my folly, and realized that God was hanging on the whole time, not willing to let go, knowing what He was going to do way before He did it. Now I cannot go back, literally, I cannot, I am different. I am happy, I get sad sometimes, but I am full.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.