Sunday, February 24, 2008


These are places where I don't feel alone: On the floor lying in front of a heat register and listening to the sounds of the furnace clanging (If you haven't done this, try it when you can't sleep). In the car on a long trip listening to the GPS give me directions (I talk back to it). Sleeping in the living room at Christmas with my ipod playing and watching the lights on the tree flicker. Scrolling through my iPod to bring up catalogued songs which bring up catalogued memories. Sitting on the floor of the shower and praying. Eating and any other potentially addictive inanimate object we use to make us feel something. And mostly being with my family. I say this because my sleeping has gotten pretty bad lately and I have been having a difficult time. I used to not sleep very much at all due to insomnia in which I tried everything to cure it: Sleeping in the shower, under tables, in front of heaters, listening to a metronome. They have all worked for a time, then they get old. I can't sleep because sleeping is your most vulnerable times, and when I am vulnerable, I am not safe, and when I am not safe, I am creeped out, and when I am creeped out I feel alone. And lately I cannot sleep. So bad into action come these methods of feeling not alone, so I can close my eyes and sleep at night. I was doing so well too, going to bed earlier, and falling to sleep. It felt better in the morning, I finally believe that sleep is good for you. But now, it is 2 AM, I am not at the least bit tired, there is nothing on TV, the family is sleeping peacefully, my friends are sleeping, and the world does not care that i am awake, this makes me feel alone.

1 comment:

  1. I think I can relate to you right now, minus the sleep deprivation. Sometimes I dislike myself so much that I just want to curl up and die. That sounds dramatic, doesn't it? But it's true. Not that I'm suicidal, but I just feel so desperate and alone sometimes, like I will never be able to get over it or do something or be something worthwhile. I hate that.

    I try to stay focused on God, knowing that with Him I can do anything. With His grace, I can get over my insecurities, doubts, and fears. But underneath of the truth is that stupid lie, that feeling that's so hard to ignore, that I'll never be good enough for anyone or anything, including God, or myself.

    Phew! I just need to breathe and remember that God is in control, and He doesn't ask me to be anything other than who He made me to be.

    Just so hard to believe the truth sometimes.