Sunday, February 24, 2008
These are places where I don't feel alone: On the floor lying in front of a heat register and listening to the sounds of the furnace clanging (If you haven't done this, try it when you can't sleep). In the car on a long trip listening to the GPS give me directions (I talk back to it). Sleeping in the living room at Christmas with my ipod playing and watching the lights on the tree flicker. Scrolling through my iPod to bring up catalogued songs which bring up catalogued memories. Sitting on the floor of the shower and praying. Eating and any other potentially addictive inanimate object we use to make us feel something. And mostly being with my family. I say this because my sleeping has gotten pretty bad lately and I have been having a difficult time. I used to not sleep very much at all due to insomnia in which I tried everything to cure it: Sleeping in the shower, under tables, in front of heaters, listening to a metronome. They have all worked for a time, then they get old. I can't sleep because sleeping is your most vulnerable times, and when I am vulnerable, I am not safe, and when I am not safe, I am creeped out, and when I am creeped out I feel alone. And lately I cannot sleep. So bad into action come these methods of feeling not alone, so I can close my eyes and sleep at night. I was doing so well too, going to bed earlier, and falling to sleep. It felt better in the morning, I finally believe that sleep is good for you. But now, it is 2 AM, I am not at the least bit tired, there is nothing on TV, the family is sleeping peacefully, my friends are sleeping, and the world does not care that i am awake, this makes me feel alone.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.