Wednesday, January 16, 2008
What Does It All Mean?
Prayer is weird. I sat in the shower today, yes, I said sat, and was praying. I have been really sick the last few days and physically, mentally, and spiritually drained, as I prayed something happened that has happened so many times, especially when I seem to need it most, God spoke, I think, if I were sure I would staple it to my Bible, but as a person that makes mistakes, I can only speculate on what God is doing. I am praying and hearing God at the same time which is weird because that happens often, I am the one speaking and I am learning from God at the same time. Well today I was praying for my extended family, when the thought of praying for my sister, long lost, came to mind as it usually does. As I was praying, I am pondering the events of the past 10 years with my father, how I had tried to contact him 3 times and found out from my sister that he had gotten the messages I put in the bottle for him. I was sitting and thinking...WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. Why, I ask myself all the time, why did all of this happen just to not get anywhere? I think I may know of a reason now. I thought of that stupid story about the lifeboats, the one where the priest is in the church during a massive flood and the three lifeboats come to save him and he turns them down saying that God would provide. The priest dies and in heaven he asks God about it and God tells him, "What are you talking about, I sent 3 lifeboats." Well, I hate that story mostly, but in this case it pops into mind. I figure that standing before God one day, or even in his life, my father will have to answer the question about me to God. He is without excuse. It is a morbid and sad way to look at it, but God has given him 3 chances gift wrapped by the person he has victimized and in all three cases, he has denied me. He is without excuse, maybe that is why this all has happened, probably means a lot more than that, but for now, that is something, some sort of answer that I think I need to move on. God is denied daily by His own children, Jesus denied first by his friends, then by millions and millions, children are denied life by irresponsible people, it happens all the time. We deny, deny, deny, what we do not want to hear, but denial never means we are correct, the truth is the truth whether we like it or not, we are without excuse.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.