Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Family I Almost Had
I was going through all of my old journals on paper yesterday and realized that I appreciated me then recording my life to read today. I wrote almost everyday, and as I read I remembered things I had long ago forgotten and watched how they played out in my journal. I realized how incredibly dumb I was at times and how much more passionate I was. It was weird life reading about your own life in second person. I think I need this, I think I need to write about myself, to leave something out there in space and time that documents my presence here. To validate to myself that I really did something here, that I existed for a while however long God allows me to fumble along here. I am going through something big right now, so I would like to remember how it felt right now. I never knew my father, never met him and I know that I have a sister. Last year, my wife and I were walking around a high school track when we came upon a phone lying on the track. I picked it up and looked in the recent calls part to find out who knows the owner of the phone and I saw my fathers last name. So shaking and nervous I called it and turns out it was my cousin on the other end. It was weird because I was talking to family that had never even heard of me, they had no idea I existed. I told him who I was and he called me back later to tell me that he was sorry for what happened to me, but they could not have anything to do with me. I hung up, and beat up the punching bag for a while, then got over it, well somewhat, if getting over it means trying not to think about it. A year later, a couple of months ago, I found my sister on Myspace. I jumped at the chance to email her and make first contact. After all, I had felt this parallel life kind of bond with her my entire life. My mom says that I was in a church play with her when we were young. It is weird because she could have encountered me at 2 different periods of my life, the man or the monster, but I will talk more about that in later blogs. I emailed her and spilled my guts to her, told her almost everything. She was amazed, yet couldn't believe her father, the hero would ever do anything like leave his child alone in the world. She told me she would get back to me and spoke with him, he told her a series of half truths, and she returned my email telling me she would not believe it were true, she wished me the best and encouraged me to continue of my journey to know my family, which of course my journey ended there as he was my father. I sent her a copy of the blood test that showed his DNA being closer to mine than my own mothers. She never responded. Over the past 2 months I have been angry with her, angry at the way life allows you hope, then rips it from your chest. Now I am just sad, not the kind of sad when you feel sorry for yourself, because I do that often, but the kind where I miss the sister I almost had. I was so close, but I was dreaming, I knew deep down this probably wouldn't happen, but still I allowed myself to hope for bigger things, to think about my first Christmas with a sister to buy for, maybe we would shop for our spouses together, maybe they could all come over for dinner. It was a fantasy. I cannot say that it could have never happened like that, God is capable of doing anything, what I am saying is that He didn't do it like that for His own reasons, He is God and I am not. I get that my sister is scared, after all she was raised by a coward, and in that I think that I have forgiven her, but that doesn't make me miss the fantasy of a family any less. But one thing I have learned over all of this is that although I thought I was alone and spent my life angry over never having known my father, I always had one. I realize now that God took care of me. He gave me discipline, love, compassion, great friends, a loving mother, and built character in me and for that I can honestly say I would not have changed anything. I just wish what could have been really was.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.